I moved to Lafayette, LA back in ’06 when I started my Romantic Research. As I started dating, I became particularly intrigued by the amount of men who were willing to have sex with random women without a condom. Even more intriguing was the amount of women who were willing to have sex on a first date and many, many times without insisting on a condom.
The stories about how he said he had a vasectomy or that he has not had sex in a long time were endless. When I started coaching, I felt like I was literally dragging women kicking and screaming to the pharmacy to purchase condoms, and the response was almost always: “What is he going to think about me?”
So here it is, in the most polite terms I can say: “He is going to think that you are a woman who takes care of herself and enjoys sex. The End.”
When you have sex prematurely without a condom, there is a very good chance he is thinking afterwards, “She could be doing this with multiple others.” Frankly, you should assume at this point that he is doing the same with multiple others. Your mouth might be saying, ‘Oh I never do this with anyone,’ but your actions say, ‘I practice Closet Promiscuity.’
Still, I am not advocating abstinence here. Having sex isn’t truly the issue for most folks. The problem comes in when women feel bad about their desire to have sex, or they have sex thinking that it is the way to keep a man interested. Even if you rock his world in the bedroom, it will not give you instant access to his heart. Instead, I want to teach you how to date that isn’t hazardous to your mental and physical health.
1. Refrain from having sex until you are mentally ready, meaning you can enjoy the moment and the beauty of sex with him, but you haven’t wrapped your identity in being his girlfriend as soon as you guys hit the sheets. (If you are the girl who can do this right away, then that’s your bizness. If you are the girl that gets super clingy after sleeping with someone, then ask him to wait as you get to know each other better. If he is a guy for you, he will do so. If he keeps pressuring relentlessly, free him to the overly sexually motivated masses and be done with him.)
2. Under no circumstances should you go without a condom until you have exclusivity. I am not a huge fan of instant exclusivity, although it does definitely happen. If that’s the case, I would still postpone non-condom encounters for at least 3 months. Also do not assume you are exclusive just because you are not dating anyone else. You are not exclusive until he says it as well.
3. Don’t be afraid to purchase condoms, have them available, and ask him to wear one while you are having sex. Feel free to use saran wrap for oral sex encounters. If he is reluctant to put a condom on, tell him that you are able to enjoy yourself more sexually with the protection of a condom. If he still pushes you, tell him that it’s a no fly zone sans condom, and end your sexual encounter at that point. There is no need to continue, even with all the reasons he might propose. Do not waste your time with men who cannot respect something as simple as wearing a condom, because you will have trouble with him in other areas as well. This also includes any hook ups with an ex you used to be exclusive with. A condom is an absolute necessity, even if you two never used one before. Trust me, you are more likely to leave an impression instead of just being a booty call this way. BTW, this applies if you are 18 or 80.
4. Keep your alcohol intake to a 2 drink maximum on a date. That way, you are clear about whether you would like to have sex or not. Hangovers suck even more when you have to think about all the things you did the night before that you normally would not have even entertained in your head. Also, intoxicated or buzzed, you are more likely to let someone into your knickers without a condom on, and if you are both buzzed there is a good chance the condom won’t be put on properly. Be sure if he starts to put the condom on backwards and it touches his penis that you get a new condom… pre cum is not your friend. Always use condoms that help prevent STD transmission.
Obviously, there are many physical health reasons, some that I just mentioned, for using a condom. Mentally, though, a condom can be a key tool in heartache prevention for you. When you use a condom, you are sending a clear message not only to yourself but also to your lover that first and foremost, you respect yourself. Remember the line from the movie Pretty Woman?
“I am a safety girl!”
This should be your mantra for your sexual encounters. Note that in the movie, Richard Gear didn’t fall in love with Julia Roberts because of her mind-blowing sex. Instead, she intrigued him with her self respect even while working as a prostitute. From that intrigue, he asked her to spend more time with him, and the rest is movie history.
In my personal dating experiences, I found the same to be true. As I mentioned in my previous posts, I used to be the girl with minimal self respect, and wouldn’t ask for what I wanted from men. As a result, I got little respect in return. The change was mind-blowing once I decided that I would ask for my boundaries to be honored.
Personal case in point was the condom. Men were more than willing to put one on, as long as I kindly made it clear that it was what I wanted, and we would have to wait or not have sex if it couldn’t be accomodated. The men I dated were fantastic and treated me wonderfully. I only had sex if I really wanted to, but the best part was the heartache prevention.
I met a man at this time that I was wildly attracted to, and he was very much attracted to me as well. Instantaneously, he was trying to get into my knickers. I knew at this point if I slept with him, I would start to feel needy and start to obsess about girlfriend status. So although he turned me on in many many ways, I took my time to feel comfortable. Finally, that day came.
I told him he had to use a condom. He reluctantly agreed. We had fantastic sex.
Immediately afterwards, he got a phone call, and told me that his recent ex was pressing charges against him. Umm… a definite deal breaker for me! I asked him to leave; he reluctantly did. I never spoke to him again. Unnerved? Yep. Heartbroken? Not a chance.
Why? Two-fold answer: Because I respected my own sexual time frame, and I insisted that he use a condom. Believe me, this was not my normal after-sex M.O.; I used to be a Stage 5 Clinger.
A condom can energetically function as an emotional protection for you. I have found it is much easier to walk away from a man if you have to when you have used a condom. First and foremost, respect your sexual time frame. Secondly, INSIST on a condom. Also, do not assume he likes or trusts you more if he says he is willing to have sex with you without a condom. Most of the time, it is not the case.
Even if you jump into the sack sooner than you would like to, insist on a condom. It’s the best back-up plan for heartache prevention.
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