Here is What I Know for Sure if You Want Him…

by Jenn Burton

There is a common old saying: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.”  I like the saying, but in dating, I found another phrase to be much more effective, which I’ll get to shortly.

 I want to tell you about John. (Names have been changed to protect the not so innocent!) John started my dating adventures. John swept me off my feet, then dropped me on my head. At the time, I had never felt before what I felt with him. John was not  particularly attractive, but I felt incredibly giddy when we spent time together. It was a whirlwind romance, amazing oral sex, and just a head to toe tingle that I couldn’t stop thinking about.

 In fact, the thinking became a bit obsessive. (Okay, I admit it… really, really obsessive.) I drove everyone around me crazy, asking what they thought about him. When he didn’t call, I’d send him a text just to make sure he was okay. He called less and less until he disappeared completely.  

During this time, I started dating other men. Secretly, I hoped John would show up with flowers and tell me I was the woman for him. I still had thoughts about John, but only when I was feeling really insecure. I noticed the more I let myself date, the less I worried about whether or not he would call.

 Then he did call.  I called him back, no answer.  That was the last time I heard from him.

 So what does all of this mean? If there is someone you can’t stop thinking about, then dating more than one man is your answer.  

Why?

If a man hasn’t asked you already for exclusivity, you will not get him to do so by having tunnel vision. Unless a man is completely infatuated with you, he will not be able to handle all of your attention and focus on him. He will call you less and less (unless you are his current booty call, and then he will only call when he wants some) and eventually disappear.  

Men have a radar. If you want him to think about you more, you need to start having more fun with other men. Men ultimately want to choose the woman they can’t stop thinking about, which is always the woman they feel amazing around. I’ll let you in on a little secret: men worth keeping around are the ones that want to work for your attention. If he has to work for it, you will be on his mind a lot.

What it all boils down to is that you, my lady, have the feminine essence. Your feminine essence or feminine sensuality has infinitely more power than a man’s physicality. A man can only resist a woman for so long if she knows what she is doing. (I’m not talking about rocking his world in bed.)  Men are not designed to be pursued. If you are going to pursue a man, you must learn how to do it in a way that allows him to ultimately feel like he had to pursue you. (That’s totally doable.) ;)

If you are ready to understand your own feminine power and create a space for him to adore you, then take the next 3 steps immediately:

  1.  Stop limiting your options to just him. You are actually pushing him further away (and there is no need to tell him you are seeing other people).
  2. Make sure if he asks to spend time with you, it’s doing something you really enjoy doing (and not just having sex with him).
  3. Let him do most of the contacting, and absolutely no waiting around on him.

Finally, as you build your skill set with men, don’t freak out when you don’t hear from him. Just keep your options open. There are 2 things I know for sure about dating and creating a Mantourage (the multiple men you are dating):

1.You will draw him closer and create space for him to adore you.

OR

2.  He will be cleared out to a) protect you b) make room for a man upgrade or c) both.

 How do you know, Jenn? Because it happened to me several times while I was dating. First, with John, who I failed to mention had a terrible physical night terror issue. By morning he had thrashed his way to the floor.  (I could have been seriously hurt.)  My favorite evidence, though, was my upgrade, Will. I’ve never met a man who makes me laugh as hard, feel as beautiful, and who adores me with that sweet southern charm. So thank you, John. Everything about you was a huge blessing, including when you disappeared.

 My lady, I promised you a new mantra for dating. Try it out let me know how it feels:  

If You Really Want Him

Hey girlfriend, here is a romantic challenge for you. Do you have someone you can’t stop thinking about? Well then, write down the last time you talked to him on your calendar.  Now get your hot bunz busy having an amazing time without him, including dating other men. Be sure to not call him. Then, in the comments section, let me know how long it a) takes for him to contact you, b) takes you to meet somebody yummy, or c) both.  Also, let me know if he contacts you when he is the last thing on your mind or when you are thinking about him. Be sure to share some of your yummy dating adventures with us.  Your stories inspire other women. Oh yeah, don’t forget, if you liked this, share it with the gals on Facebook & Twitter. ;)



 
 

P.S.
Are you ready to stop playing around and take your love life to a level worthy of your attention? Then Click HERE

{ 96 comments… read them below or add one }

Suki September 4, 2011 at 2:58 pm

I totally agree with this “If you want him, date other men too. If he mans up for you, he’s yours…” It works! I had a feeling for someone but wasn’t sure about him. So I dated other men and didn’t contact him at all. Two weeks later he rang me and we started getting together again. Five years later, we married and live happily ever after :) So good luck girls, have a happy dating!

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Laurie Rosenfeld September 5, 2011 at 12:54 am

Jenn, you make some great points here. I think there is something about men being hard-wired to pursue. I think they do like the challenge. When I met my husband in law school I was casually dating a guy I knew from college who was living in the same town. A few weeks into dating my husband he asked that we date each other exclusively and four months later we were engaged. We’ve been together 19 years.

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Sher Chives September 6, 2011 at 8:23 pm

I also experienced this kind of situation and I even thought that he is already the man I wanted to live with…Until he disappeared…That is when the time comes I have to date other men…

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Lenny September 12, 2011 at 6:20 pm

It is really not easy to find love especially true love…

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Lorena September 19, 2011 at 10:19 am

Well, im new to this, but i do have someone that i think about alot and we have kissed and i did oral on him, but he comes and goes. I know he wants me, but he is so busy at times that i wonder if he would be too busy for me. I do date others and every once in awhlie he will call, but thats it. the last time i heard from him was last week and thats it. left him a message and nothing since. should i throw in the towel on him.? its too wishy washy.

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Jenn Burton September 19, 2011 at 11:06 am

Until a guy has decided that you are the one for him, they are wishy washy. And that’s okay… 2 things… definitely keep your options way way open at this point. and make sure he isn’t just hanging out for you to perform oral on him. Next time he asks you to hang out, tell him sure… let’s go grab a bite to eat at__________________. I wanna make sure you are not his booty call. Mess around all you like, just be sure that isn’t the only thing you two are doing together or most likely it won’t be you he chooses. By the way, thanks for being so open! It certainly helps out others in the same place. (Oh and fyi, my man now, used to disappear for weeks. Just let him do most of the contacting right now;)

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Lorena September 19, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Thank you Jenn, for responding….I have helped him in a case that he wis working on now. I havent told you the whole story yet, but we use to teach at a college together. I pursued him a lot, but he told me a few months ago that he would look for me and then when he did see me, he would be ok for the rest of the day. I felt so good when he told me that….we would get together just to do oral and then they fired him and now i thought i had lost him, but he called and now i have been helping him on the sueing of this college. everytime i would see him he kissed me like omg,,,,but thats all, then he would call me every other day or every day and we would talk and then thats it. recently i have been his look out from the inside, but now that they laid me off we saw each other again and again, but lately no call. we were supposed to see eachother last week to get a form from him, but he didnt answer his cell and havent heard from him. so like you said,,im not calling or texting,,ill wait for him to call me. i just like him soooooo much. im thinking,is he really going to pick me.?

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Lorena September 22, 2011 at 5:59 pm

Jenn, he called ,,,he called,,,,he wants to meet with me tonight.

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Jenn Burton September 25, 2011 at 12:01 pm

awesome! l

Tina September 24, 2011 at 12:56 pm

What if you don’t have a “mantorage” on hand to pick dates from during those dry periods when you’re not hearing from the guy you are hung up on? I’m on the dating sites and I could find someone but I don’t want to pick just anyone either. To me there’s nothing more depressing than being on a date with a man you aren’t attracted to.

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Jenn Burton September 25, 2011 at 12:00 pm

Hi Tina,
Awesome question, in fact I think I am going to do a video on it here soon. Short answer… you know sometimes we have a certain style in clothing that we strictly adhere to. We sometimes have a six colors of the same shirt. (I’ve been really guilty of this) The best breathe of fresh air comes when a girlfriend takes us by the hand and says, you know what, time to try something new. You go the store, you try on new styles, and bam you have a completely different and updated perspective on what you should be wearing. So you start wearing your new clothes out, and people really start to notice and you upgrade your level of sassy. So do this, grab a girlfriend, and a glass of wine, some fun music, and together go through the dating profiles. Try another city not too far, but not too close. Make a list of what you find attractive or interesting about their profiles. The profiles you find at least 2 things attractive or interesting about send the guys a wink (if you’re on match). I want you to create some fun around checking out men, that’s why I want you to get your girlfriend involved. Video to come soon with more details. Let me know how this exercise goes for you;)

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Sherrie September 26, 2011 at 10:47 pm

Hi…I also experienced this kind of situation and I think I have already moved-on and date other men…This might not be easy for me but I have to…

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Beth November 17, 2011 at 11:47 am

I just read the article and it does sound like good advice, but what if it backfires? Is that supposed to mean that a woman should just move on, it was never meant to be? There is a guy I can’t stop thinking about, we flirt alot, we occassionaly hook up and I think he likes me. I have noticed every time I am talking to another guy or mention another guy’s name he gets weird. He’ll just bug me about the other guys until I can’t stand it anymore and I walk away from him. So should I try dating other guys? But I ‘m scared that this guy will think he doesn’t have a chance with me.

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Jenn Burton November 18, 2011 at 5:05 pm

Hey Beth,

Sounds like to me he likes you, BUT he still is keeping his options open. Watch this video and you’ll understand more why it is soooo important that you keep your options open: http://jennburton.com/2011/11/understandingmen/#. Yes, I absolutely think that you should date others. (and when he asks you about it, you should respond is: “We are not exclusive right now, so my private life is not open for discussion.” The video will explain why! You definitely should be on my free call on the 29th “Where Are All the Good Men?” It will help a lot!!!

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Shel January 29, 2012 at 3:18 pm

I moved for love, 1400 km as he told me once night on the phone that if i lived closer there would be no doubt in his mind that we would be together. I have been here 5 months now and hear from him now and then by text about evrey 2 to 3 weeks. I have seen him 3 times in 5 months. It is very hurtful to me to love someone so much only to have shreds of what i wanted so badly. The last time I saw him which was a week ago, he said he was really glad I was here. We spent a wonderful evening together. Each time I saw him, I didnt make love with him even though he wanted to, it was really hard to get up and leave but that is what I did anyway, I drove home all happy and high for just having seen him expecting now he would call and things would move forward but I wouldnt. he would text me 3 weeks later. The last month, he asked me out for dinner twice via text but I was already home so we didnt end up getting together. He comes close then backs off. I have 3 boys and his kids are grown up and is older than me but I love age on a man, so it works and he has passion like i never experienced in a relationship. I have other men asking me out but in my heart I know they do nothing for me. This man has been in my heart for over 2 years now. I think of him all the time and keep hoping it will change as we were once a very in love couple. he comments that we are in a bubble as when we are together there is no one else in the world. I would appreciate any comments. thanks

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Karel August 9, 2012 at 7:34 am

Shel, my heart goes out to YOU. He however is weak, a maybe at best. So sorry that You moved for him. So hope that it turned out to be a good move all around for YOU. Because what this guy needs is the Reverse Ultimatum. Also is he aware that you are dating other men. YOU ARE DATING OTHER MEN … Yes? Perhaps if he were made aware of this and that you were considering moving back from where you’d come … Since as much as you enjoy him, you are looking for a partnership. And if that is not what he is also interesting in building, you wish him well, but will be MOVING ON TO CREATE A GREAT LIFE … ELSEWHERE. Now its all out. Balls in his court. And wait to see if he hits that ball back TOWARDS YOU. And even then … Don’t make it easy for him. Create that intensity for the journey of Romance. If he’s truly the weak guy he appears to be, imagine how strong he’ll NOT be in Partnership. However If he is Your Hero … The Strong Man Will Show Up. Best Wishes, Know Of What You Speak of From Experience.

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Shel September 1, 2012 at 7:22 am

Karel,
Thanks for your kind words. It brought tears to my eyes reading your repsonse. What is the Reverse Ultimatum? I am not sure if it matters anymore. He is a very settled man and is 57 and Im only 44. He has a very nice and easy life. Lives near the water and does as he wishes everyday. Here is the latest: Sadly, a month I was out and saw him getting in his car, he was with another woman. I waved at him and he waved vigorously back. I went home and retreated for a few days, I was so devasted, I was broken, still am. I took all the courage I had and 4 days after seeing him with her, I drove to house at 7:30 am (something I would never do without being invited first) but Idid it this time. I went to his door and knocked. He didnt answer. I knocked again, still no answer. Then I went back to my car and called him. He didnt answer so I left him a gentle message telling him I wanted to talk and I would wait until he answered the door. Within five minutes, he opened the door. I told him I wanted to talk and we did I expressed my feelings for him and how when I saw him with someone else, it hurt me very much. He said he knew that he hurt me when I saw them together. He said she was visiting him for the weekend and was just a friend and is not his girlfriend. I’m sure she doesnt know about me. I was crying while I talked to him (not blubbering or anything). I also didnt accuse him or blame him. I just focused on my feelings for him. He told me he didnt feel the same as I do but that he did care for me “very deeply”. He said she was not his girlfriend but was just a friend. After I said my peace, he offered me coffee and we each had one. Then he reached out his arms while we were sitting on the couch and he just held me and then started kissing me and it all felt so good. Afterwards, he asked if I wanted to go upstairs to his bed, and I went. (I wish I could take this back in hind sight) I so wanted his affection and it all felt so good, I was feeling the need to have his arms around me. He makes me feel so good. I ended up giving him oral sex as I was on my period. He wanted it and I didnt say “no”. Then he got ready to go play golf and I went home. I ended up calling in sick for work and I felt very low all day. Its a month later, I got a couple of texts messages about 10 days after I showed up at his place and I havent heard from him since. I havent made any contact. I went on one date last week. It was nice but there was no connection. It was hard for me to do that. I pushed myself though. I hate waking up in the middle of the night or the morning and the first thoughts are of him. Its just feels like I have an anvil on my shoulders and I know I need to let go, but I am having such a hard time with it. He told me “now he knows my heart and it gives him something to think about”. I find the pain comes in waves for me. Some days, I feel paralyzed others I can cope. I asked him why he only sees me every few weeks and he says he just cant stop seeing me. Making friends in a new city, isnt all that easy either. Its hard to know who to trust etc, so I keep to myself and try and listen to music and do a lot of cooking/baking. I exercise and enjoy nature too but life was better back where I was. My kids love it here and prefer it so we are going to stay. I know there are lessons in all of this. It was really nice to read your comment. I know this was a long reply, sorry!!

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a2thez March 16, 2013 at 1:45 pm

Reading this post was heart breaking in the sense that you are essentially breaking your own heart. Being so obsessed (and yes I mean obsessed) with this man is like putting yourself through torture. You only live once and you’re wasting your energy on someone who doesn’t. don’t ever speak to him again and stop pitying yourself for your own childrens sake.

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Grace Sevilly@Fort Lauderdale dentists April 25, 2012 at 4:51 am

I totally agree that men have radars just like women. It’s just that ours have stronger signal than theirs. LOL

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angel July 27, 2012 at 4:27 am

hi Jenn., i just found your article just now.. i enjoy reading it.. and it makes me think about my date soon on early next yr 2013,.. we meet in a dating site we talk everyday online video call..,and i wanna please him so he wont seek other girl.. what should i do? to make him more interested to meet me real soon.. im obsess now.. thanks dear..

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angel July 27, 2012 at 4:29 am

hope to hear ya jenn..

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Olivia taylor July 31, 2012 at 2:27 pm

This article was exactly what I needed to hear today. I have been dating a guy that I met off Match almost a month ago. I realized I was really into him after the third date (and half a bottle of wine at his house, where I couldn’t drive home and slept with him.) He admitted that he wasn’t dating anyone else and therefore wouldn’t be sleeping with anyone else while we dated. I didn’t offer any information about my “mantourage” and thanked him for his frankness with me. (Not that I am sleeping with anyone else ether.) In the last few weeks, I have done just this:

Stop limiting your options to just him, you are actually pushing him further away. (And there is no need to tell him you are seeing other people)
Make sure if he asks to spend time with you, it’s doing something you really enjoy doing. (Not just having sex with him)
Let him do most of the contacting, and absolutely no waiting around on him.

I let him call me (which happens every day now, sometimes twice a day). I have been out with friends or a few other dates constantly keeping my calendar full. Finally when he mentions having time, I suggest something I want to do. (We just spent last weekend camping with my friends.)

I am making a point to not push or get to clingy, but it’s really hard to contain sometimes. It’s been a few weeks now he’s still at the point where he says things like, “I am really enjoying spending time with you.” or “I haven’t thought about where this is going to end up, but it feels right.” I asked if he had thought about us . Maybe I shouldn’t have, but when I go back to work in a month I wanted to know what that might mean. Where do I go from here?

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Larissa January 15, 2013 at 9:08 am

Hi, Love this article. I have been very close with an amazing guy for the past year. We started off just having fun, friends, enjoying eachothers company and things have now become we talk everyday, spend alot of fun great times together doing lots of different things, have amazing sex and care about eachother a lot. We are going away together for a weekend for Valentines Day next month. However, he works a ridiculous amount of hours and does make an effort to see me quite often considering his schedule and he is a single dad with full custody of his son. He keeps saying he isnt ready to be in a serious committed relationship for a few different reasons. He is about a yr and a half out of a very long relationship which really hurt him, there are kids involved. So I dont push it but I am wondering if I’m wasting too much time. He knows exactly what I want and when I say that maybe it’s time to just let things go he gets upset. I don’t want to pressure him, yet I dont know how to handle this. He is everything I look for in a man, so many great qualities…I almost dont want to throw in the towel just yet! I also am not 100% sure if he is with other women but I know that I have no desire to want to date anyone else! What do I do?

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Crystal January 16, 2013 at 10:58 am

I’m in love with this guy I have known for years. Unfortunatly he is a marine and stationed in a different state. Sunday I had a couple of beers and it always makes me feel lovey and honest of my feelings. I slipped and told him I was sooo in love with him, his reply was “babe” and haven’t heard from him since. I am a beautiful single mother of a 3 year old that has had two open heart surgeries. I don’t get to date often (at all really) or the guys that ask me aren’t really my type or I have no attraction for them, or maybe I’m just so hung up on this one guy idk. At this point idk what to do, my son and I both care for this man deaply. It’s hard for me to date being the single mom, working, and going to school. I haven’t tried to contact my marine since my slip of the tongue, but haven’t heard from him and its kind of depressing.

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Lina Smith January 23, 2013 at 7:12 pm

Uh Jenn, loved your article so much, I have met someone through online dating. I guess we both liked each other, we dated for two months and things were OK and seemed to be progressing. last time we met, It was great apart from minor misunderstanding. he just disappeared and did not contact me for the last two weeks, what should I do , I have not contacted him at all. I guess I like him but I don’t know what should I do.
Lina

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Clare February 5, 2013 at 3:09 pm

I have been messed about by a guy who i think uses me as a rebound when he keeps splitting up with his girlfriend? Each time he says to me ‘she’s gone’ and i do believe it but he then goes back i think? Ive not heard from him after he FINALLY took me to dinner for my bday, the last year has been basic booty calls but he knows i like him cos i eventually told him. It makes no difference what i say OR even do, ive never been needy and never will be, just hate how ive let him come and go as he pleases, i do think i only obsess over him because i cant have him! Maybe thats why we think we love them? Anyway, if he doesnt call or text me im moving on (started to now anyway) its hard but u just have to get them outta ur head. If he contacts me, ill ignore for a LONG time until i see he is being genuine, then i MIGHT let him take me out but NO NOOKIE and no calls, he is going to have to sort his pathetic life out. Sometimes i dunno what i see in his life that i want. We just have an amazing connection xx ill keep u all posted ;-)

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Danielle February 5, 2013 at 4:33 pm

I met a really nice guy on Friday night. We kissed as we parted company, he asked for my number and he sent me lots of texts on Saturday, finally asking if me and my friend wanted to meet up with him and his friend who was staying for the weekend. We didn’t manage to cross paths in town on Saturday night, which was disappointing, but he said that he’s like to take me out for dinner sometime. Well, it’s Tuesday night now and I’ve had no word from him. I added him on Facebook on Sunday morning and he has not accepted me (yet). I was quite tempted to text him last night, but I guess all the signs point to him not being interested so I haven’t. I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years a month and a half ago and it was quite a confidence boost to have someone potentially interested in me. I guess I should give up now?

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Clare February 6, 2013 at 5:39 pm

No dont give us yet its too soon, have no contact and he’ll be in touch, its all about patience and reverse psychology! Dont make yourself too available and say no to invites a few times, gets em pining for more

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Danielle February 12, 2013 at 5:54 pm

Haha…I’m in the UK so he must be a jet setter! I haven’t heard from him at all and he hasn’t accepted my friend request on FB. I hope you have more luck! I sort of concluded that I didn’t know he existed a couple of weeks ago so I can’t be too upset. It would’ve been nice, but it’s time for the next adventure (hopefully one that’s more successful!) Let me know how you get on. I’m very glad I didn’t contact him by phone as would feel much worse and more desperate. If he wanted to be in touch, he would have done so…

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Lily February 12, 2013 at 1:44 pm

OMG this exact same thing happened to me but on Saturday night, same scenario, his friend was in town, etc!! What city are you in? Maybe it’s the same guy, haha! I’m in Richmond, VA.

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lila February 7, 2013 at 9:28 pm

no romantic relationship at all. he is married and we have been texting each other for 9 month. I HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM BUT HE DOES NOT. i became obsessed with him and he decided to text me once in a while? what do I DO?

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Clare February 8, 2013 at 3:23 pm

Call it a day now before it goes further, ive been in one for 2 years and its nothing but tears in the end please trust me on this and move on, never a happy ending and only ruins ur self esteem accepting 2nd best all the time, which messes u up when u do meet mr right!! U will think u can handle it, but it always ruins u in the end x

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liz February 11, 2013 at 10:37 pm

hi! I kind of have my answer…just let him start contact. My story is crazy because I met thins guy again after 8 years. He was very special for me and we got in touch again and started talking randomly, set up appointments that got moved or canceled. The thing is that I decided to forget, I was done… and 4 days later he texted me to meet up and said that he was texting me before but that I didn’t answer. We finally met, but my expectatives were very low… we went to get some coffee then a beer, on the way he assured me did not remember much about us,…. but when we kept talking and drinking he would tell me things from back then. We ended up coming to my place, he started telling me he liked me, that he had missed me (I believe is bs, but he says that I wonder too much) and I told him he could stay (it was really late, no car and cold and I felt bad…and also wanted to see where we were going) but that nothing was going to happen, dude..he asked me to please don’t call him dude (im not American so I don’t know how bad is it). He was really sweet, he would kiss my face, caress it , and when I was falling asleep he would look at me and fix my hair. I really had butterflies in my stomach, but I was afraid he would behave like that just because he wanted sex…
the next day when I opened my eyes he was hugging me, I would turn and he would turn again and hug me (we were “asleep” ) then I went to shower and got dressed I came back to wake him up and he was very cold opened his eyes and said, what time is it? then no contact at all, and then said oh gosh i wont drink again… and i felt he said bc of us, maybe im wrong, sp i didn’t talk much we went outside and he had to walk to the left and me to the right,,, i said im going the other way,,he said ok, see ya………………….. ????????? 8329038901830912 question marks in my head, and thought he is a jerk. I want to think he was shy for all he told me, and that maybe he felt i was kicking him out. so on my way to the train i texted him good luck in your interviews. he replied way later. thanks…and that was it.
time to move on? i kind of try to be very cold about the situation, i didn’t do it do no love has been lost, but still…. do you guys think he is playing me?

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gigi February 28, 2013 at 11:23 pm

Yes, girl. Stop it, and stop it now.

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Melissa February 12, 2013 at 5:06 am

Thank you jenn for posting this, it is exactly the advise i have been looking for. U know when u hear it from your sister it tends to go in one ear and out the other… Lol well im totally obsessed with this man that i met online… We had been talking for like a month and i drive out to meet him. We had a great time together n yes there were sexual tension and i went for it… Anyways we talked more when i got home and the next day….. He started to have some sort of issue at work and would txt me hes in a bad mood, its not me n hes angry about work… So of course im txting back no worries im here for you when you wanna talk… Well his responses were getting less and less and less then finally i broke it down to him and was like, im new to this i know your angry about whatever but i mean am i not getting the hint? Like ill txt with no response when i know hear reading them… So i said dont worry about my feelings b honest do you like me or not.., and he responded with i do like you… And that was it… Of course i was like ok well ill talk to you later… No nothing… Now do i just stop and give him time to contact me? Like as they say “make him miss me?” Or just sum it up to him not that interested or just that he really is having an issue so devistating at work that he cant talk to the female hes interested in? It just dont make sense to me… HELP ME LOL

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Jenn Burton February 15, 2013 at 8:25 am

The only cure for obsession is dating other people and putting yourself first romantically. My course The Courage Kit… is awesome for just that. It’s not about trying to figure out what’s going on in his head… it’s about defining what you want and then learning to communicate that with men in a way that works for both of you. Check out The Courage Kit, http://hhyw.jennburton.com/couragekit, registration will be opening soon.

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Sad-lost-lonely February 12, 2013 at 3:22 pm

I’m not sure what I would of done if I hadn’t come across this site. I’m ridiculously keen on a guy & he is a nightmare to read. He rang me yesterday but today he texts to say he can’t see me this week :-( sad because I haven’t had anyone for valentines day for a long time… Is he not interested is that why doesn’t want to see me? Help!!

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love-is-blind February 16, 2013 at 3:40 am

Hi there , wondering if you help me out , there’s this guy I met at a wedding so he was making it obvious he liked me , couldn’t stop staring at me ever time I was around or telling everyone he liked me , even bumped into him at the hotel I was staying , to cut the long story I went back home after the wedding which was in the states bt added him on fb the problem is I sent him a message and he was pretty straight forward acted like we were strangers wording a sentence with lol just odd to me , so the next two bdays he’s had I’ve sent a message and no reply bt the crazy thing about all of this I can’t get him out of my mind and I think I Love him , it’s hard because I. Can’t understand why I feel this way when he’s so cold and distant with me , just want these feelings to go away ! , he’s gotta be feeling something they way he looked at me they way he acted in front of everyone like I was the only thing that existed he even centered his best man speech on us yet we didn’t know each other…felt like fate cos I fell for him is it love? doesn’t make sense ,or is love is blind situation :-/

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Mark February 21, 2013 at 3:24 pm

Heres a problem I’ve had with this whole “oh chase me” BS. I like this girl.. A lot, probably too much. I can’t tell you why either, its just an attraction like no other. I never get like this either, there are hundreds of really pretty girls at my school (its LA). I barely pay any attention to most of them, even when they stare at me. But I’ve found this one girl that I just can’t seem to ever get off my mind and its driving me nuts. We’ve hung out a few times and every time we were together was great, never a single awkward moment, conversations were always really smooth and natural. I’d make her laugh a lot, I never tried to get into her pants either (b/c I like her and want to get to know her, hopefully she doesn’t think I’m gay hahaha). In the beginning we were calling each other everyday. Now all of the sudden its one sided, I call her and text her and she responds but never calls on a whim like she used to..

This really makes you wonder.. I ask myself “have I been contacting her too much?” .. I don’t feel like I should be the only one calling. When girls do this it makes me wonder if she is really that into me after getting to know me. I know that when a girl is trying to chase me and I’m not interested I just ignore her calls/messages and then she stops. I feel like when people continuously call it gets redundant and annoying.

I haven’t called her in days now and am wondering if I should or not.. On one hand I get the feeling shes just not that into me based on her not calling but whenever we have been together in person she always seems really friendly. On the other hand I feel like if shes playing this stupid game and she is interested I will ruin it by never calling. Seems like kind of a stalemate. Its driving me nuts and I don’t have time to think about it, but its hard..I never feel this weak, EVER!! so busy, literally.. exams, surgical internship, clubs, and I work at a hospital (with tons of hot nurses that act interested but I only care about this one).

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Jenn Burton February 21, 2013 at 3:57 pm

Mark, have you ever asked her out on a real date? She may very well think you just like her as a friend, especially if you’ve been hanging out for a long time and you’ve never officially asked her out.

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Gabby February 21, 2013 at 9:11 pm

So, I kind of have a history with my guy. We’ve been really good friends for years, and we always liked each other. Life never seemed to want to get us together, though, and I must admit that I was letting him chase me. We’ve both dated other people, but something just sort of pulled us toward one another. So, finally we found ourselves in a place where we could start ‘dating,’ and he disappears. Well, not completely, but he does for short bits of time. I hate to be the one to initiate the conversations, but he just doesn’t want to talk. He flirts with other girls and I flirt with other boys, but it’s like he’s uninterested. I hate playing games, but I feel like I’m gonna have to play the ‘wait until he calls first’ card…. This is all so confusing.

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naila February 24, 2013 at 4:13 am

hi jenn thank you so much for this article and thank you to the above writers…..I’ve hadthis thing going on with this guy for about 4 years…..we’re in a long distance relationship and have seen each other once (the first time we met) but we skype constantly. at the begining we were just casual friends and we’d talk all the time. one day maybe a year into our friendship he tells me on skype he likes me and wants to marry me….I knew this was coming because we both flirted and the feelings were kicking in….after that once he never brought it up again so I didn’t either but we continued to talk…..after about 5 months he messages me on fb and tells me he’s deleting it but he blocked me an kept it! knowing me I messages him that night on skype with a long message with how angry I was etc and from there I didn’t show my face for a good 3 months in which he deleted fb after he told me he would by two days!! but I couldn’t understand why he delete me….I came to the conclusion that it was because I never used to ask about him first…anyways 3 months after not talking I decide to come on skype and he’s on and messages me and cannot believe that I was on and he had a decent explanation to which I happily accepted because I was so in love with him an those 3 months were torture….we persue our relationship as normal and agree to meet up in the summer brake after 2 years but we don’t so we carry on like this and everynow and then we’d stop contacting each other on our 3rd year we hadthis massive argument absolutely broke my heart to bits!! he disrespected me soo much called me filthy names that I don’t want to mention! he tells me he didn’t like me and would need be with a girl like me and when I begged him just to be friends hoping I could still talk to him he told me he was no good of a friend to girls like me etc… so it’s been almost a year now since we last spoke and he has tried to contact me through friends accounts but I didn’t respond….so be creates a fb account just for me and adds me whcih I didn’t accept but got talking to him….and he appologised for the things he said! I started to be normal around him! but I demanded to know why he still wants to talk to me because I said I was confused…he said he wanted to know how I was doing and told me not to get confused…(I was expecting him to tell me he wanted me back) when I said that’s all u have to say he said that he has a lot on his mind he would like to tell me but would prefer is we spoke on skype it would make things clearer! I’m scared he’s going to say he wants to be just friends…that would kill me! I really want him to tell me he wants me back! he said he misses my voice…I’m scared please tell me what u think I should do and how I should come about this relationship to help it last if he asks me to go back to him…and do u think he wants me back or just friendship from what he’s said? sorry itsso long and thank you btw it’s not a teenage relationship I’m 20 yrs old and just to clarify I knw he’s the one for me cause I’ve dated a lot and have so many men who want to date me but it’s him
I love and feel my best

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Sushi February 24, 2013 at 9:44 am

I am in love with someone, who used to adore me call me his world. I guess tables turned and I am now him when he doesn’t want to commit or have anything to do with me. Yes things happened between us, he says he has strong feelings for me so he can’t be my friend. I know he is being selfish but I still love him. Oh we dated long distance for 3 years, he’s from Europe and he ended things over a text. I called him a coward for it. And he is upset over that too. I’m not sorry for that part. And yes I could’ve been a better girlfriend/less clingy. Today I am going out, I already have a a number a guys waiting for my time and I need to get gutsy.
Here is my promise not to contact my ex, let’s see what happens

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Elizabeth February 25, 2013 at 6:49 pm

Hi Jenn,

I ended a 3 year relationship with my ex in september of last year, during that time I met an amazing guy who really stole my heart from the get go. He felt so strongly for me too that he told me he was in love with me in december, which freaked me out considering I was so newly out of my past relationship. I had a hard time and for about 2 weeks we stopped talking but resumed on Christmas, and decided to become official (exclusive) new years eve. Since then however he has developed a friendship with another girl, who presumably may be a lesbian but no one is sure. Anyways, this girl tries to be my friend too but is non stop texting and hanging out with my now boyfriend. The thing is they work at a restaurant together and hang out at the bar after at least 5 times a week, sometimes with me and sometimes he doesn’t want me to come, as if to give our relationship some space so we don’t get sick of each other. I have tried to bring it up and tell him how uncomfortable it makes me and he brushes it off and assures me there is nothing going on and there are no feelings there. It just seems to me that he’d prefer spending countless hours at the bar with her than time with me, which is completely unlike when we first started “dating”. I really really care about him but I cant fight the feeling that he might not want me as much as he tells me….I just don’t know what to do and he gets mad if I keep bringing it up. Please help! I need advice.

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miss nina February 25, 2013 at 7:08 pm

hey jenn thank you so much for this article ..please i think my situation is little bit deffirent and i need help advice from u and from all the writers here thank you in advance…well i met someone by the internet only one months now he was almost calling me everday when he wake up when he is at work and when he is going to sleep he was calling me by hours, i felt that he loves me then i start getting attached to him especially when he showed me his parents i did show him my parents too , and he promissed me to come ask my hand after 2 months after the operation of his mother (heart operation) i was very happy first he was very intersted on me he keep asking and calling me for 20 days our relation were perfect then suddenly he start calling slowly and slowly till he stop calling and stat sending one msg in day ..first i thought if i call him and keep asking about him he will call me back but i was wrong i felt just he is day after day become away from when i send mesg to him asking how is he ? he reply im okay thank you im just buzy buzy with work and im nervous with my mother operation …..since i knew him he told me i love u once and then he never say it again saying that dont expect to tell you about my feelings anymore because if i say something now before marriage i will just lose value so wait till we meet then deciede if we ‘re compatible or no..he told me that he tried to date with alot of women and even fall in love with some of them then we discover that he not really handicap but can walk slowly they stopped with him then he decieded never love someone before marriage …..now iam really confused im not sure he still love me want me or he is just avoiding me last talking with him were in sunday 24 fevier he said i will not talk for some few weeks will be buzy with mama operation so no plzz i need some advice what should i do i feeel myself very attached to him and cant stop thinking about him what can i do to make him love me like i do ..thanks

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Mari September 23, 2013 at 8:49 pm

Well i think if you give him space and not call him and have him pursue you then he will have the space to miss you and call you. Give him time he must be going through some rough things right now.

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Irena February 27, 2013 at 11:34 am

Results were a bit long to arrive but I assume my case was too complex to have a fast success. But when the spell started to take effect, it was very powerful and in just a few days I had a great outcome. Even if I sounded a bit desperate while I was waiting for my spell to work, Dr. Lee never left me alone and always answered my emails. I am more than satisfied! Thank you.

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Carmen February 27, 2013 at 8:16 pm

That’s what I need it! Thanks! I met a guy through online 3 years ago and then we stopped talking each other for 7 months because he was dating so one day in July I thought of him and I wanted to send him an email but I didn’t! By my surprise I got into my fb and I saw a notification from him so he added me and right away I checked my email and he gave me his number and since then we texted each other! We finally met in September I had to travel another city where I used to live! And it was magical, I have never felt anything like that for someone then I visited again in November and was all good yet distant. I went back home we kept texting each other and then he started to tell me he was seeing someone then she dumped him in 1 week! We kept texting and well in feb 2013 I moved to the city I used to live and I told him I was here and if we could meet up well he had good excuses that for me was stupid anyways i was still excited yet panic that we wouldn’t meet up! And he kep texting me how I was and happy valentines so I assumed everything was ok but deep down I knew it wasn’t. So I texted him to see each other and his response was I’m seeing someone sorry and hurt me like hell so he asked me if I moved to Calgary for him I hope not i was in shock :( and I deleted him on fb right away and I miss him so bad and can’t stop thinking about him that I just want to text him. Help!!!! And i am dating men as well I feel good but I think of him so bad

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nicole March 3, 2013 at 5:06 pm

Hey Jenn,
I met this guy last year,he started talking to me on Facebook.We are both from London but we barely saw each other,however we were talking daily 24 hours.In september we start seeing each other like we were together.After a month he said his not ready for a relationship and we should stop seeing each other.I love him,I’m obsessed with him.We still talk but we only see each other for sex.I told him I like him a lot and try give a chance for a relationship but he doesn’t want to. Today is the first day I stopped texting him.I really want him to give it a try with me.
Please help and don’t tell me I have to move on cause I really can’t,I just can’t,I love him with all my heart!

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Mariah March 6, 2013 at 1:11 am

I met a guy on website of MeetMe I didn’t know who he was until he message me. When we started to talk more almost 3 weeks he has said to me that he’ll open up door to his heart for me plus asked me to be his future woman. It took me while to say yes even he has told me little bet about his family and I do his wife and 3 girls.? He’s in Army SGT staged in GA, I have send him letters he hasn’t I have send him box of movies at least he said thank you :) .
For Valintanes Day I know this is weird for me, but I did send him a card.. Does this really show anything even that he doesn’t say much to me like he use to ; I know he has something’s in mind plus full on his hands. Im just tired of being hurt broken hearted.
I also met other man before I met this one, we have met each other from same website, we met each other up in the park he smiles when he see’s me he also Blush when I come over to his house once or twice week when ever he message me. I have deleted his number few times not saying much to him he has three yr old daughter.. I talk to him about his little girl and he does seem feel Comfortable when he has nightmare about when he was in Navy. I’m the only person that he’ll bring up to. He’s not married or with anyone sides me, thinking he maybe a keeper. :)

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Lisa March 16, 2013 at 10:09 am

The first guy that is in the Army in GA, please make sure that it is really him. Also, if it is I believe that he has lost interest in you because you are always doing for him. Allow him space to do for you sometimes.

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JD March 10, 2013 at 3:56 pm

This totally works! About a year and a half ago I decided to leave my abusive, alcoholic husband. Shortly after, I met this amazing guy who was also going through a divorce. Needless to say, neither of us was really ready to be in a relationship. We dated for about 3 months with a lot of “push and pull away” on his end. It got to the point where we decided that we needed to take a break – which lasted for about 6 months. During this time, he called me twice, and we chatted. I told him that I still needed more time. Eventually, I started dating someone new, but couldn’t stop thinking about the amazing guy. I decided to text him, and we went out for coffee. We decided that we would try being friends. I ended things with the other guy I was dating, because the chemistry just wasn’t there. “My guy” and I built an amazing friendship, and really got to know each other over the course of 5 months. I even went to visit him during the holidays when he went back home to spend time with his family. During this time I knew that I still had very strong feelings for him, and kept hoping that it would turn into more than friends. But, I was very good at just being the friend. I made sure that I didn’t initiate contact, and made sure that he did the calling, texting, setting up time to hang out. I also went back on the dating sites, and went on some dates. Over the past month, our communication seriously dwindled, with the odd text back and forth (again, always him texting first). I made sure that he knew I was busy with my own life, and that I had been dating too! (Inside however, I really missed him, and wanted nothing more that to get together). Well, early last week he asked if we could hang out on the weekend (because he knew that I had been so “busy”, he had to “book me” early, lol!) We got together last night to watch a movie – as friends ofcourse. In the middle of the movie he paused it, and asked me how dating was going. I said that I had been on a few dates, but hadn’t really found that connection just yet and that I was totally ready to be in a committed, loving relationship. He then admitted that he had been dating someone else for a while, but the whole time he couldn’t stop thinking about me. He said that he ended things with her because he couldn’t see a future with her. He said that he’s finally ready to be in a relationship, and that all this time he’d been seraching for something that was right infront of him the whole time (meaning me!) He also nervously asked me if he could take me on a “real date” because he thinks I’m amazing and that I deserve a real date – that I’m worth it. We then had the most amazing kiss complete with all of the fireworks and butterflies! So, our date will happen next weekend, and I couldn’t be happier :) I feel like this is a perfect example of “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” :)

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Mari September 23, 2013 at 8:53 pm

Wow what an amazing and inspiring story thank you! =D

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melissa March 10, 2013 at 5:32 pm

I have been talking to a guy for 5 months. we were friends before and he had a girlfriend. once their relationship began to be rocky, we sorta went to a new level of texting. we have seen each other a few times only because he lives an hour away. just when i back off, he is calling or texting all the time. once i show how interested i am, he backs off. last week i had a date planned and i swear he was in my head knowing i was thinking less about him and more about the other guy. he called and told me we need to see more of each other and told me how much he cared about me etc. now this week, its been 3 days since i have heard from him. i very rarely text him and have NEVER called him. i usually leave it all up to him. he is very busy and owns his own business and has a son and when i don’t hear from him. he says it doesn’t mean he isn’t thinking of me but that he is extrememly busy. i am crazy for him…. what now/

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Ashley March 10, 2013 at 10:00 pm

So I had been texting this guy for sometime now. I meet up with hime for what it seems like once a year due to distance and his job. I realise that he is younger so problably not ready so settle down. Me myself just got out of a long realashionship and also like to keep options open. Only thing is I like this guy alot. The last time we were together time seemed to fly. The chemistry is there. I made the mistake of pursing him the most recent time. One night stand or not, they are moment I will never forget. He makes me feel amazing, something about him. Anyway I know he likes me, even more now then in the past. Last words I said were text me anytime or I’ll just text you when im back. We just text and email for communication. I’m just worried I’m making it too easy. Should I wait and let him text first? Have not heard from him. Not that it even matters, guess I like the attention. I’m getting a new cell do you think sending him a nice picture would be wrong? I want a pic of him on my new phone? Help!!!!

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Gem April 30, 2013 at 9:35 am

This is the hardest relationship to have, this is an Emotional relationship.
Ask yourself would if you started seeing him 3 times a week would he be so amazing. I think try to not contact him for 1 month and see if he calls you, and see if you still want him. Try to keep busy, not think of him in the mornings and at night and maybe treat he like an addition that you need to stop. As for the phone, ask yourself this……if you had an accident and lost your phone and COULDNT contact him, would he contact you? Trust me he would find a way if he wanted to. Make him come after you. Make him think you are a busy woman, make him think you may have found someone esle. If he wants you, he WILL call you. Good luck X

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Danielle March 12, 2013 at 5:17 pm

Hey jenn,

I’ve known this guy since sophomore year of high school I never saw him as anything more than a friend unitl this year he resurfaced and we have gone on a few dates. I’m super confused because my friend said he would ask about me and when double dates would come up he would want me to go with him. Ever since I started going on dates with him I discovered that I really liked him and he even told me that he liked me. He says he’s not looking for anything serious since he’s a freshmen and in a fraternity. He said he could see himself having something in his later years of college. We did mess around once no sex just hand job and oral but I realized I didn’t want to do that with him. I told him that maybe we could revisit things a different time and he said ok we will see what happens since we don’t know what will happen down the road. For now we hangout and just kiss maybe alittle feeling up but thats all. The other night we hangout and didn’t even kiss we just laid on his bed and watched tv and talked. I’m really confused because he’s so understanding and still wants me around even if we aren’t doing sexual stuff yet he says us hanging out doesn’t mean anything as in it won’t become anything. But when we are together he acts like he likes me… please help I’m so lost and confused

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winter March 13, 2013 at 12:57 pm

I dated a guy shortly whom I had amazing chemistry with. He confessed that he had lied about where he lived; he said he lived in a nice part of town and that he had a house (which was actually his friends). But, he was dishonest. Yet, we had so much fun and the last time we went out he gave me an amazing kiss. I think he felt bad about lying the first night we met; I think he thought it would be a one night thing, so he confessed but he didn’t really tell me the whole truth. He was still putting on a persona. I confronted him about it and told him I didn’t want to see him again. Then, I did the wrong thing to contact him, to tell him mostly how he had hurt me through his lies. He also said a lot of other things like how he wasn’t expecting what we had between us and how when we were together he felt like we were the only two people in the world, but he could have just been trying to seduce me into bed. Luckily, I didn’t although I had oral with him; it was my first time. And, it was way too soon, I realized it right away, just 5 dates. So, now I few months later, I texted him to see how he was and I told him how wrong it was what he did-he apologized-and I finally just deleted him number so I would never contact him again.. I think I just wanted to vent at him, I guess hoping deep down he’d come back since I missed our closeness and chemistry. But, I know some of the biggest mistakes I made were not dating others, thinking of him seriously too soon, getting sexual too soon, and contact him when I started suspecting he was playing me with lies. It is really hard when we like someone since were taught to go for what we want in life but with men it seems to be a whole different game I think I’m just worried the next guys I go out with I wont find that chemistry. But, it’s true in order to chase we actually have to just do what makes us feel good, not them. Thanks for your site, I’ve learned from the bad experiences and will work hard to stick to this method from now on. There will be someone good enough.

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Kelly March 13, 2013 at 6:21 pm

Hello,

So I started talking to this guy a few weeks ago and we have really been hitting it off. He works at Starbucks (which I go to on the way to school a few days a week and I have study sessions there at least once a week. I nev noticed him until he messaged me on the site asking if I go there and I told him I did all the time. So we go to talking (at first on the site and then I have him my number) (we have yet to really really talk in person yet) and he started to give me free drinks every time I would go in there and when I would be at a study sesh he would give me multiple drinks. Then I stopped accepting them because I felt bad cause he was giving me these drinks but I hardly knew him so he began to ask a bunch of questions about me and I right back about him. And I learned a lot and I ally began to like him bpeven though we still haven’t technically been on a date. So then just last week he wanted to ask more questions and said he really liked learning things about me and that I kept him wanting to know more and he asked if I thought he was attractive and visa versa and we both said yes and now the last few days all we have had is small talk which I initiate and I have still been dating other guys but I can’t get him outta my mind. And it doesn’t help that this is finals week and all my study sessions are there and I see him every time.. I just don’t know what to do.. I’m gonna stop texting him until he texts me but I just feel like I revealed so much of myself and he continued to talk to me and now he all of the sudden doesn’t anymore.. It doesn’t make sense

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Taylor M. March 16, 2013 at 12:14 pm

Jenn, “so there’s this guy”. I’m 23 years old I just got out of an unhealthy relationship a week ago. I used to work with this guy and while being in my relationship, had always had a slight interest in him. I never have cheated in any of my relationships nor would I ever.. However, as soon as my relationship ended, I began spending time with the guy I used to work with- we were acquainted at work, very friendly and now we have already hung out several times, I’ve been to a couple of his concerts for the band he plays in and we have had sex twice. I know that most people shouldn’t move on so fast but part of me had always wondered what it would be like to be with him. We have many things in common, we look very attractive together, and we get along most importantly. Before my relationship ended, he mentioned not wanting a gf due to his ex (who has already moved on) cheating on him and him being focused on work, etc. him and I never thought we would be where we are at today (such as the flirting and hooking up). He doesn’t call me for a booty call, hell- he barely even calls me. We spoke yesterday after a night out (which wasn’t a date) and I gather that he does like me but is very guarded. How do I get him to “break away from his shell”. He isn’t a “rebound” in my eyes yet, I want to take things slow, I want to see him make more of an effort to have me around. I have a good feeling about us but I sense he doesn’t know exactly what he wants. I want to make him mine and I want for him to want that without the pressure or forcing him to.

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JJ March 21, 2013 at 2:14 pm

Hi. I been dating a guy for 6 months but we don’t really see each other as much, like we see each other in 2 weeks like once.His a gentleman he cook for me, we watch a movie, opens the door for me and if i need help he will help me and have great sex. But then yesterday he was telling me a whole lot of stories then when i went back to my country for 2 months which was in November he had a friend over and that he was consoling her but then they ended up having sex.I was disturbed by it but at least he told me the truth.But then when i reached home i was bit worried he was still sleeping with other women. I asked him he was still doing it is that bad for me to ask and should i still stay with him?

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Just Me March 22, 2013 at 7:40 pm

I have known a Man for 8 yrs, we had very short crush on each other in the beginning but call from his X made me back off and he did not pursue me at all. Over the yrs he has showed up and I had re-married at he time (That ended) and he went back to his X and as far as I know he is happy doing good. They are living together. I am 51 and have no desire to date for sport and don’t have a line waiting anyway. The strangest thing has been happening, it is like he just comes to me in my thoughts and I measure anyone I talk to with how he made me feel. I even thought about him when I was married and never would own it or admit to it. Maybe I am just lonely and lost. He is am amazing Man that I admire more than anyone I have ever known. Unless he just feels it, he has noway of knowing it. He did show up out of blue just to see me, we have not had affair or have we ever spoke of loving each other but I do love him and would consider myself the blessed of the blessed to end up with him.

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justine March 25, 2013 at 9:52 pm

Hi Jen,
Im happy I found your blog I have an issue with a Guy like. We all do we’ve been seeing each other 5months on and off meaning I do my thing he does his wen I mentioned were this was going he gave me the run around of were just friends so I took the were just friends seriously and started dating other guys and I have at least 3friends:) my only problem is that I really care for the jerk and have no idea how to play his game part of me of wants to change my number while the other part wants to work it out but I just want another opinion am I beating a dead horse? He does know recently I told him I was seeing other ppl he wasn’t happy about it but im not happy neither with the way he treats me sooo in other words what should I do? My heart

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ms*x March 27, 2013 at 2:52 pm

ok…we have been exclusive for four months. he esablished no contact out of the blue on saturday. texted and called tuesday. this is from a person that never failed to contact me daily, and multiple times throughout. i took his call. i smelled bullshit. so, today is day one of no contact for me. this dude definitely won’t be having hs way with me! i never want to experience the pain i felt during those three days. i will update.

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Ash March 28, 2013 at 6:04 am

Jenn,

I found your website and I LOVE IT! I have been in the dating scene for about 6 months now and it has been an epic failure. I have always been in long term relationships and my last boyfriend walked in one day after 2 years and said he didn’t love me anymore. Since then, dating has been a nightmare. Getting attention from guys, getting asked out on dates, etc. is not a problem, rather its finding one that will chase me and be on the same page as myself. I have been seeing a guy for a few weeks and things seem to be going PERFECT!!! I felt we really connected! We talked about how excited we were for this new relationship, and everything to come. In the beginning he was all about seeing me and spending time with me. Now I have noticed he doesn’t text unless I text, he doesn’t call unless I specifically say call me in so many minutes, and not hearing from me all day doesn’t seem to bother him. He hasn’t made plans for another date for us, and I’m not really sure what I am suppose to do. Yes, we have fooled around and I have stayed over at his house a few times, which I highly regret now. We have talked about our relationship and he did say he is only seeing me and wants to take things slow. He said he’s not all about chasing and catering to a girl until the time is right. I’m lost and utterly confused. He is 10 years my senior so I tend to think he should know what he wants and not play “the game”. Do I see other people? Do I not text him and make him come to me? Is all this normal? HELP!

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Andrew March 28, 2013 at 12:41 pm

I agree totally. I went on a few dates with this girl, that a girl friend introduce me to. We had a few make out session but never escalated beyond that. Well,
after our last date I didn’t call for about a week. When I did, I left a hasty message and said that I would like to see sometime over the weekend, I did this on a friday. When she didn’t return my call I assumed that she was unimpressed by the call or met another interest. I didn’t rule out calling her again, but I didn’t feel strongly in pursuing her. So I just let the whole thing pass. I think her instincts were correct. I wish her nothing but the best.

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Sweet Ivy April 4, 2013 at 3:27 am

I met this scorpio man somewhere mid september last year, we really hit it off from the get go. He did the chasing, finally capturing my heart. He even asked if i wanted children. He called me 24/7 and texted me 24/7 he said he loved me. We were never intimate was holding it off we kissed once. 28 november he called me and he said he missed me, after that call i texted him 2 days later. No reply im not on fb but i could see he was active on fb. I sent him an email a month later no reply. I hate it since we were in a relationship and he cut me off coldhearted douche, am not a stalker i never called him after he ignored my txt but i do miss him sonetimes

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Loss April 7, 2013 at 3:39 am

I’m still young but for some strange reason I can’t stop thinking about this guy who lives 3 hours away from me. Funny story we met on my birthday(march 2012) birthday at a club. As per usual I was doing my own thing dancing with my girls until I noticed this guy lookin at me with this huge smile (very attractive) on his face and off course I noticed becuase he made it so obvious, but being the the stubborn gal I am I didn’t think anything of it. Unlit the girls & I decided to sit down and have a rest, with such confidence he came up to me and started chatting me up. At first I found it so sexy becuase every where i seem to go ive noticed that not a lot of guys have the balls to come up & talk to me and apparently a lot of them are imitated by me ( I dont know why? though) but the funny thing was that I didn’t really find him attractive, I was more interested in his mate that he came to the club with. Long story short his mate turned out to be the biggest man whore & boy I was gald that I didn’t become one of his victims(lol you know what I mean). And on the same night I had a huge fight with one of my ex gf where we no longer talk anymore because she ruined my entire birthday night. So on that exact night I lost an old friend and gained a brand new friend (That part tripped me out) an I admit I still gave him my number on that night and he immediately texted me the next day saying it was nice meeting me blah bla blah.. And being in a right frame of mind my first impressions were (he must be a tap & gap kind of guy) I didn’t wanna be rude & not text him back so I sent him the same thing. I realised that our texts became more frequent & personal and what tuned into weeks eventually turned into months as well.. Until I stopped texting him back becuase I was kind of seeing someone else. At this point I thought the “other guy” was going to be the one (boy I was so wrong & dumb) until he stopped texting me for good and I became so depressed becuase he wasn’t pysically attactive but he was defiently a gentlemen and very charming. One Saturday night my sister organised a clubbing night for her boyfriend’s birthday and during that time I didn’t wanna go anywhere or do anything becuase I was still depressed about the “other guy” but my sister was admerit about me joining them. So I did. And as we were going into the club I got a message from an unknown number saying “Hey are you in the city tonight” at that point I had no idea who it was becuase the number was unfamiliar so I didn’t text the number back but then a few hours later I got another message saying “hey it’s so and so” and my heart just dropped becuase after two moths of not speaking to him (my fault) out of all people to text me, right? he texted me at that moment in time (especially after all that I had been through) so off course we met up that night and it was just magical, it was as if the planets were alined just for him & I becuase I really didn’t want that night to end and what caught me off guard was that we didn’t hook up we just talked and huged and did all those couple kind if things but hook up it was amazing it was defiantly one of those nights you would want to last forever but as they say nothing last forever! And from then on we’ve met a few more time before that night & we still text every month! We a defintly not a couple becuase we’ve spoken about it & we both agreed that the distance thing & our own busy schedule , finding time for each other would be very difficult.. But here’s my question I’ve let him go once and I never realised how much I missed him until we met up that night. I don’t wanna lose him again BUT what do I do now, since we text every month & spoken about our relationship should I just end all ties with him or should I talk to him one last time about us? And I know I’m still young & I have my whole future are waiting me but why do I feel like his part of it? Does that sound weird? HELP PLEASE!!!!!!

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Loss April 7, 2013 at 3:49 am

P.s I love your blog! So true & it has definitely opened my eyes! Thanks

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Kate May 8, 2013 at 5:50 am

hi Jen, I love your blog so nice to hear people are in a similar situation, it would be great if you could give me some advice, me and my ex were together for nearly a year sadly we it was a very turbulent relationship in the last few months we were both having a stressful time at work and with family and it drove us apart with him saying he couldn’t be in a relationship at the moment. We spilt up and two weeks later got back together. Another two months down the line he says we didn’t have a long enough break to sort out our problems and the relationship was turning back to its bad ways but he says he loves me so much and doesn’t want to be without me but he doesn’t want to keep hurting me by breaking up and getting back together all the time. We ended it three days ago, I promised not to text him or call him but I miss him terribly life seems to different without him, and another guy that talks to me I’m just not interested, how can i make him call me or realise he misses me? should i just give him space for a few weeks?

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Tiara Marie May 22, 2013 at 6:33 pm

Hey,

I am currently talking to this guy but we live in two different states at the moment because I am in school. We used to talk all the time and he used to show me so much attention. Then something changed. We weren’t talking as much like we used to and when I approached him about it he always claimed he was busy, but he isn’t ignoring me on purpose. We have drove to see each other from time to time but its not enough. He always wants me to come see him but I’m not able too. He is also very wishy washy with me. One minute he is talking about a future with me and we are going to be together as soon as I move to the same state. Then he will become distant. Then he will say let’s be friends because I don’t want to hurt you and have upset about is not talking. I wonder what should I do. Should I trust and believe that he does care about me and want me or should I just move on and talk to other guys?

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SLK June 10, 2013 at 3:12 pm

I bartend and I had a random guy in from out of town come into my bar. 5 hours later he asks me to dinner. I decide to go out with him because I felt bad for him since he had nobody to go out with. He picked me up and we went for dinner. We had an amazing time. He is 25 and I am 32. I feel as though he sucked me in with all the compliments he gave, how perfect I am, beautiful I am, etc. We hit is off. He works M-F in my area and then goes home to his farm on the weekends. His farm is about 2 hours from me, so we talked about long term situation how I would have to move by him since he has so much invested in it and can’t just leave. He worked too hard to get where he is at. I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t sleeping with a guy until atleast 12 weeks because I wanted him to like me for me. Well, with him it didn’t happen. We slept together on date #2, because he didn’t understand how I can put a rule on something that was natural and felt right since we were so attracted to one another. He also said that sex is huge part of a relationship and that it is healthy in a great relationship. He is a very sweet and caring guy. The next time I work he comes to visit me and asks if I want him to bring me anything. Then the next date he brings pizza and red/white roses to my house. The text messages have gotten distant. Meaning when we text it now takes him a little while to reply. The weekend comes and I go camping 15 minutes from him with my friends and we have an amazing time together and my friends really like him. He had his farm to attend to during the day, but he makes it up there at night to see me. Tomorrow will be a week since I have seen him. Last Thursday we had plans and he cancelled on me because he says he had so much ppw to do. Last Friday I spoke with him on the phone and I kept telling him that I want to spend more time with him and he tells me that he is doing the best he can. My friend also told me that he is a player because if a guy wanted to see you then he would make the effort. When I told him this via text last Friday he got very defensive. He says the next time my friend works 120 work week and has a farm to run maybe he won’t have to to criticize other people. He also told me that is what he can give isn’t good enough then this isn’t going to work out. He used to text me in the morning, and when he didn’t on Saturday I texted him saying hello and hoping he was having a good day. 8 hours later he responded tell me that he was in the tractor at 6:00am. and hoping to finish planting before sun comes up Sunday. I didn’t respond until the next day basically saying hope he got some sleep. So now, the text message went from daily to me over analyzing and stepping on eggshells. In 2 weeks, we talk about everything, kids, moving in together, our future. Well this was more him than me, and then I fall for him and tell him that I like him and want things to work out and now I am questioning everything. Yesterday he asked how my day was and I respond and then 6 hours later he gets back to me. I called him and left him a voicemail last Monday and I haven’t heard back from him. I sent him a message last Monday asking why he has been distant towards me and when he didn’t respond. Wednesday I sent him a text telling him I would like to apologize to him and I was wondering if he could meet for a drink and I let him know that I could come to him since I know he has a busy schedule. He said it’s fine, yes we should. He will let you know when he’s am back. He was in OH and MI tomorrow and might be back tomorrow night. I told him that it sounds good. And he hasn’t called me and I haven’t made the effort to call him. I have tried not to be clingy as that is what his dealbreaker is but I am needy and I wanted to spend time with him as much as I could. I don’t text/message/call him like crazy. Usually, I wait until he messages me. Any suggestions? Your thoughts?

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Cezaria June 26, 2013 at 10:37 pm

Thank you for Jenn for this post! I believe this advice is usually pretty successful but I am only half way there with this man I met, and was wondering if you have any suggestions.
I met him a few months ago… it was set up when I was at a birthday party in New York and planning to go back home to CT that evening, when a friend of a friend at the party insisted i get picked up from the train station by his friend who lived in the same town. I had never met this person, but my friend assured me he was a nice guy. It was going to be late at night, and to make matters worse i missed my train and didn’t get in until 1:30 am. But this guy, he was waiting there for me (it had been 3 hours, though he didn’t tell me at the time) was devastatingly handsome, and he drove me home. He suggested we get coffee and traded numbers. I texted him the next day, he texted me back the following day saying he’d like to get together but would be out of town for a couple of weeks and would be in touch when he got back. But he didn’t. Not for 2 months. Then, out of the blue, one afternoon he texted me asking if he could still get that cup of coffee and see where I worked (I have a fun job). I was extremely busy for a week, and then had a friend staying over for the weekend so I couldn’t do anything with him for at least another week and a half. Finally, he just said whenever I was free he would be available. So I set a time and we went out. He took me to a really nice restaurant and then a very classy bar. He is a stoic type but joked around a bit and was very curious about me. We talked about personal things, ideas, goals, and connected. He paid for everything. I found out that he was moving back to Europe after completing his PhD here, leaving in one week! So, to get to the point I invited him over that night. It was intimate, passionate, and wonderful. The next day he invited me to a going away party he was having with his best friends the next day. I went and he was super attentive, polite, complete gentleman, especially so in front of all his closest pals. I had brought my friend with me to help me asses him thinking he was too good to be true, and she said that he was really great and looked totally taken with me. The next time I saw him he drove us out to a beautiful country lake during sunset with some wine, where we talked for hours. Then he took me to a super chic and romantic summer al fresco dinner after that. Then he stayed at my house his last three nights before he left (he’s been here 5 years). Every night was sweeter and sweeter, gazing into each other’s eyes, smiling, talking, kissing. Amazing sex. He told me he was sure we’d see each other soon, especially when he starts to make tons of money at his new job (I’m just a poor student). Then he got on a plane and left! He messaged me from the airport, and his layover in Iceland, to tell me how great of a time he had had the past week, and to ask me for my information.
I was the first to email him once he was home. He emailed me back pretty soon after. I was too busy to email for a couple of days, and in the mean time he sent me a cute video he took of some horses he found on a hike, the view of his beautiful home town in the Alps, and said he missed me “a lot”. I wrote him back that afternoon with enthusiasm.
Now, I haven’t heard from him at all in over a week. His birthday is in a few days, so I may message him something short and sweet but otherwise I should stop contact with him until he contacts me again. Right? I’m completely smitten, but I don’t want to make some kind of misstep and make him feel smothered. He obviously takes his time to respond to things, so maybe this isn’t out of the ordinary. But since he is living on a different continent should I give it up? or “have faith in the future” as he said? Should I date other people? Please help!

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SusanB August 30, 2013 at 6:26 am

We met online…instant chemistry. Went on 5 mostly fun dates, he disappeared. Some details I’m leaving out. I emailed him a couple of times, he responded but then dropped the ball after I responded. I gave up. Two months went by and there was a tragic event in my city that gave me the courage to contact him. He immediately responded and said he had been thinking of me and was going to contact me. Hmmm. We got together but I was now the initiator and I pursued (yes, somewhat foolishly but he kept accepting) him for the next couple of months. I felt like we were also becoming friends….slowly….although there was definitely a strong physical attraction. For me, it was pretty intense, and it seemed the same for him but he maintains a bit of a “bad boy” image so he held his emotions in check. Or maybe I”m kidding myself there. He rarely contacted me but he always responded when I contacted him. Doh. I couldn’t help myself, he was the drug and I was hooked.

Anyway, I went out of town for 10 days, then he went out of town for 3 weeks and it’s been almost 3 weeks since we’ve had any contact. It may be over and it may not. I have firmly decided that the next contact HAS to come from him. If it does not, then he does not get to spend time with me anymore, and I am a fun, kind, intelligent and very attractive woman. His loss, right? My worth and my enjoyment of life does not depend on this man. I think he will miss me but of course, he has his own life and agenda and his own free will. I don’t think he will just stop thinking about me, unless, of course, he meets someone else who knocks his socks off.

I’m sad because it feels like “another one bites the dust” but there is nothing else I can do. He knows I like him. He’s a bit younger so that could be an issue but I can’t do anything about my birth date and I look MUCH younger than my age. I am actively trying to meet other people and am open to dating other men. I find that when I post my resolve to NOT contact him it truly helps confirm in my mind that I will absolutely stick to my guns. If he contacts me, I will make him wait a bit before I respond. It’s a game but sometimes it has to be played if you want to win with (certain) men. Yes, the men that we want. *sigh*

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Stacey September 1, 2013 at 6:02 pm

I worked with this guy who is under contract to work in our office until the end of October. He started in January, by February friends had to point out to me that he seemed to like me, as I am considerably older I did not want to believe it. Once it was brought to my attention, I noticed he did make a point of a few days a week starting at the same time as I do in the morning, I start early. He also joked and flirted with me. There is a lady in the office who has a ‘lovefest’ with a couple of men in the office – harmless flirting and fawning, he asked if I wanted to start one, I was too stunned and I am very shy, so I did not respond. I caught him staring at me, and at an office luncheon, staring deeply into my eyes, other ladies caught this too. Other ladies have heard him flirting with me too. He also made mention that he was a bachelor for my attention twice, others assumed he was in a relationship. He has commented on my outfits and that he likes a couple of times and his eyes and pupils have widened somedays at my outfits. One day I was sick and was leaving the office early, he told me he was surprised I was sick as I looked really good. At other office meetings or luncheons always tried to get the seat around me. This went on for months, in June I asked him out at the egging on of my friends, only to receive a polite no. I asked him for dinner on an evening when there was an event that I was unaware of, he said he had to go to this retirement function and then asked if I was attending, I explained I was not even aware of it and admin staff usually do not attend and then I asked if another friday evening would work and then he replied that he really doesn’t come or spend time in our city. He lives 45 min or so away, his full time job is 20 min away. We both drive and own vehicles. So I took this response to be a polite no. Afterwards we were polite to each other but he really cooled his attention and flirting towards me. Then in mid august before I went on vacation he returned to a little mild form of the fliration. I do not understand does he like me or not? Is it the working together that is making him hesitant? And the fact that he has little time and is working two jobs? Or is the fact that I am older? Or is he just not into me? He started all this flirting and it took me a couple of months and people mentioning it to me before I even knew. Now I just don’t know. I do like him and respect him very much. Help??? Advice???

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tiffanie September 2, 2013 at 12:44 am

It took him less than a week after I told him I needed space and a lot of it . He was definitely the last thing on my mind tonight because all I could think about is the new guy that’s in my life and how happy I am with him .

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Jenn Burton September 8, 2013 at 2:30 pm

Tiffanie SWEET!!!

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Clara September 4, 2013 at 8:13 pm

I’ve been on 4 dates so far with this guy. He is absolutely amazing, a total gentleman. He didn’t immediately want sex but when we did on our third date it just felt so right. Also since I was the one who planned the first 2 dates, I told him to surprise me for the third one and surprise me he did. He asked me to be his date to a friend’s wedding and it was beautiful. And he is always up to doing something spontaneous, like go to a coffee shop after dinner, go to an art museum or just taking a talk in the park. Also, he would always be the one to initiate the kissing, the holding hands and kissing me on the forehead. Sometimes I catch him looking at me with a big smile on his face. He is also the one who initiates the texts and phone calls. I really like this guy and really hope that it will last, but I’m not sure what his intentions are yet and I was just wondering if you could give me some advice on this? Thanks

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Sona September 9, 2013 at 12:11 am

I saw this guy on my 18th birthday and became completely infactuated with him! he’s family of family..i liked him alot..he met up with me alot but was taking too long to ask me to be his gf so i moved on with another guy to forget him..i never did forget him tho..kept in contact secretly..i been thru a hell 4 year relatioship with this other guy n we broke up, so the first guy enters my life agen n i tried to resist but we slept togeda, i cnt tel if he likes me, he thinks im stil in a relationship coz i dnt wana scare him into thinkn i left my bf for him..i didnt expect all those feelings to resurface, he did say to me its all my fault n no1 asked me to get a bf..he chats to me now and agen n takes days to reply..advice pleez help!

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SusanB September 10, 2013 at 11:07 am

Crap, I blew it. I had a full month of not contacting him under my belt and I weakened. I emailed him Saturday afternoon, I was on my way out of town so I did not feel that was bad timing (e.g. I was not trolling for a Saturday night date). He emailed me back Sunday morning with the details of his scheduled busy weekend (I’m not sure why he included all this information?). I wrote back Monday afternoon, kept it light, did not suggest a meeting. He hasn’t written back and I think he’s going to disappear again. He has done this before.

I am obsessed with him and this is my pattern, so I need to be strong this time. I am going to try to date others although I should probably take a little break. I’m sad and fighting feelings of hopelessness that I’ll never find someone. I’m over 50 and have been single for a long time. I’m pretty, intelligent, have friends and a supportive family, and a full interesting life. The only thing missing is a partner. I’m trying to stay positive but after experiences like the one I had with him, it takes me months to bounce back and it’s rare I find someone I’m attracted to. Sigh.

I feel like even writing this puts out negative energy into the universe but I am a human being with feelings and it seems we have to squash our feelings in order to have a relationship with a man.

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Mo September 25, 2013 at 7:44 am

I’ve been in a similar situation but its been going on almost a year now in the beginning it was wonderful towards The middle it turned really sour communication was so off & now it’s as if we’re gradually moving back to how it was in the beginning but its progressing at snail pace. As of right now there’s this initiating problem. I he doesn’t text or call, I feel like If I don’t all or text him we will not talk. So I’m testing my will power this week and secretly testing to see if he will take the initiative. I have not seen or spoke to him since Sunday night. I was giving it till this Sunday to see if he makes move. My question is if he doesn’t make a move what should I do? Not to mention I really like dude.

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Z September 27, 2013 at 2:39 am

Hi,

I’m in a dilemma, I am a divorcee in early thirties just separated for 2 years. Just a few mths into separation.. I received a msg frm Aussie. It was my first true love whom I liked in the age of nineteen. I didn’t tell him that I liked him face to face. But he knew coz I left a voice message and after that he didnt really respond to me. Then in 2000, we stopped talking.. In 2006 when I had just gotten married, he called to say he was leaving for melbourne… That was the last time I spoke to him. Then finally in 2012 feb, I received a msg frm him. This fellow has always had a soft spot in my heart even my ex hubby knew. So getting in contact right after few mths of separation was tough for me but I needed that frenship. So we have been in contact till now. He was seeing someone while we were talking. A divorcee too… But now it’s no more. That’s what I think so. I did express how much adored him but he said it might be infatuation at that point of time. He has been the sweetest in terms if communication to me and my boy. I had not seen him for 14 years. This year feb he came down to visit his family and made an effort to meet me for dinner and also spent another day with my boy. I was very touched. I’m just very confused abt how to not loose him and make him realize how much I want to be with him. I dont talk to him abt my feelings thru the phone. Always tend to msg. But it’s been some time I spoke abt it as I’m afraid of loosing his frenship and him disappearing. All I need to know is whether he has any sort of feelings for me. When asked, he said he doesn’t know what to say and after a break up it has been tough on him. He texts me almost every other day. At least calls me twice a mth. I can’t seem to move on.. He compliments me etc. but where do I take it frm here: he is of a different religion but he knows I’m open minded. Sighzz it’s making me go crazy coz I just can’t seem to get him off Mu mind though the only connection is thru texts and calls..

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countrygal October 1, 2013 at 5:36 pm

Okay so I have a question .. I met this guy two weeks ago and he has been amazing he has stayed nights with me and all he wants to do is kiss and cuddle. He is a southern gentlemen and adores me. He admitted he was crazy about me and asked me to be his girlfriend. So we date now and only each other, but I wonder because he can go without texting me all day and I can’t stand not talking to him, but I can’t date other people because it would be cheating. I understand he is busy, but we still see eachother. He hasn’t seen me in 2 days , but says ill see him tonight. He is planning future things with me so that’s why I am confused. He is taking me to the marine core ball and wants to take me to texas and is talking about christmas presents and everything. So please if anybody has any advise let me know because I am confused!

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Renee October 30, 2013 at 8:44 am

Hi Jenn. I found your page & this article after doing a search on how I can be sure if my guy is in love with me.

A little backstory on me. I married my high school sweetheart, & after being together 20 years(married almost 15), he cheated, decided he didn’t want to be married to me anymore(loved me but couldn’t live with me anymore because he was so unhappy). We have 2 children, & I was devastated. This was over 2 years ago. I had started in the past year(after some self reflection, a little therapy, & taking a lot of time to get to know myself & figuring out what I want for my life) to “get out there.”

I signed up on the online dating sites, & after a few “frogs,” okay a lot, I found who I thought was a prince. We messaged back & forth for a few months, & got to know one another. There was no pressure to meet or have sex, just getting to know one another. I thought things were going really well, & then he disappeared. I went through the usual “what did I do?” “What the heck?” “What happened?” I really liked this man. He was sweet, caring, attentive, & above all funny. I realized in the time of my separation/divorce that my ex was very controlling & emotionally/mentally abusive. I didn’t realize it when I was with him(which still amazes me because I’m an intelligent person), but he had been my first serious relationship. We married young, & had children after I finished my degree.

I digress. This man I’d “met” on the dating site simply disappeared. I am a firm believer in karma & fate. I chalked it up to “he wasn’t the one,” “it wasn’t meant to be.” So, now, months later(close to 6 months later), he contacts me on the dating site again. In those 6 months, I’d gone out with a couple men on dates, & hadn’t given up. He contacted me, we started messaging one another again. We moved on to texting & talking on the phone, ultimately meeting in person. From the first time I physically locked eyes with him, I was sunk. I am religious, I’d prayed/had faith/believed that the right person was out there, & I would find him when the time was right. We spent the day together at a fair, & when he walked me to my car, he kissed me. I mean “KISSED” me, & that was it for me. I went home, he called & told me how glad he was that we met, that he’d had a wonderful time. I felt the same, & it scared me with how at ease, how natural, it felt to be with him. It was easy, there was no stress, no pressure, no expectations.

He didn’t pressure me in any way, but when we had sex, it was amazing. A few weeks later, he spent the night, & when he left the next day, I really had to pull myself together. I didn’t want him to go. I’d had one of the best nights(I’m not referring to sex) I’d had in a really long time. After he spent the night, I didn’t hear from him for 4 days. I’d texted, sent messages(not any more than I had been), but I felt horrible. He’d spent the night & then I’d never heard from him. I was crushed. I really thought he was the one, the one I’d prayed for, the one I’d been waiting for, but I guessed I was wrong. I’ve had limited dating experience, so I really was out of my element.

So, when he finally texted me 4 days later, I was so happy, but hesitant. He explained that spending the night with me had scared him & he needed time to think. He’d been hurt from his previous marriage(I knew this already), & what he was feeling scared him. I was happy he contacted me, but it’s almost a month later, & we’ve texted/called/messaged one another, but haven’t seen each other again. I live close to an hour from him, & he does work a lot. We haven’t talked about being exclusive, or how serious we are, & sometimes it feels like there is an elephant in the room we’re skirting around. I’m fine with taking things slow, so should I just go with his pace(let him be the man & all that), or should I sit him down & talk about everything? I feel slightly adrift, but I know a lot of that is me. I’m an over thinker & I can analyze things to death with the best of them. I feel like I don’t know where I stand with him & I just don’t know how to proceed.

But, I do feel that because we had that initial interaction all those months ago, then he contacted me again after 6 months, that there are lasting feelings there. I was so hesitant about meeting him initially, but after meeting him, I felt so at ease with him, like I’d known him forever. He calls me every morning on his way to work(my wake up calls), & will text me throughout the day. I just don’t want to scare him away by demanding things or asking him to give things he’s not ready to give me. So, should I just go with things as they are, or ask him to tell me where we stand??

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Sarah December 4, 2013 at 6:06 am

Hi this actually brilliant. But my boyfriend and I live apart and his job in the army which is kind tricky because although I never heard fr two weeks today his never really give be any clear signals to show me he was planning to not call me which puts me in tricker situation because now I’m thinking isit even ok and bit to why he hasn’t called me which I’m really left confused.

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Sarah December 4, 2013 at 6:09 am

And I’m just confused between his safety n could it be his just ignoring me for no reason. Please help Jen

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Jenn Burton December 5, 2013 at 2:04 pm

Hi Sarah,

I can imagine how confused you are. I wrote this article specifically for women who are dating someone that they haven’t discussed exclusivity with. If you are in an exclusive relationship with this man, I don’t recommend dating others. Please first find out if he is okay, especially if he is in a war zone. Then discuss your relationship with him. If he says that he doesn’t want an exclusive relationship, then yes I would date others as well.

Hugs,
Jenn

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Confused March 8, 2014 at 8:35 am

Hi Jen, I love what you wrote! Could you give me some input? I’ve been dating a guy for about 3 months. We met online. We’ve really been taking it slow–seeing each other almost every Friday night, then sometimes on a Saturday or Sunday. We had discussed sexual exclusivity and the fact that neither of us was dating anyone else. We had not become “official” yet and I was not pressuring him about it at all.
About 2 weeks ago I noticed that he wasn’t initiating anymore…I was having to reach out to him and that didn’t feel good. Last Thursday, I ended up texting him and sharing that I was feeling scared and disconnected and I was hoping we could meet up and chat so we could be on the same page, whatever that was. He said “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way, hun” and said he thought we’d naturally reached a point where we’d either move forward or not, since it had been a few months. I told him I was feeling like I’d like to move forward. He said he was trying to sort out his feelings for me, said I’m amazing but he’s feeling some hesitation, and said he wants to be in a relationship, but he’s scared of commitment, and that he knows he cares about me a lot, but he doesn’t want to feel hesitation. I told him I was scared of being hurt and may have held back from him a little because of that. During the conversation he thanked me for being so sweet and also made a joke about how we have great sex, which he immediately followed up by saying was inappropriate given the conversation. I laughed and let it go. We agreed to talk the following evening in person, but didn’t arrange a time or place yet.
I texted the next afternoon saying I’d love to still chat with him, and did the evening still work for him, he said it did but I wasn’t going to love what he had to say. I was taken aback by this, and not pleased that he was started the conversation via text. He said he’d been doing a lot of thinking and wasn’t sure his heart was 100% in it, which wasn’t fair to me. I told him I had also spent the night thinking a lot and was torn about my feelings for him and what I wanted. This seemed to catch him off guard, although that was not my intention. I said I thought we kind of “started over” when I saw him each Friday, and that we seemed to have fallen into a rut of just sitting beside each other watching tv. I said I thought it might help to do some little, more active activities during the week. He said he was worried about hurting me. I told him it kinda seems silly to jump into a relationship give then situation, but also seems foolish to just pull the plug. He said that made sense and said he thought he should take some more time to think, so he knows it was a thoughtful decision.
We still got together in person for about 10 minutes later that night, as I did not want our only conversation to be via text. He suggested meeting at his house. I showed up looking great–I had just done my hair and makeup, with a smile on my face and acting very calm, friendly and not upset. I think this caught him off guard. He said he thought he had been too quick to make a decision, and that sometimes he makes a decision just to make one. Said I am very special to him and he wants to take time to think about it. We chatted a little more and agreed to think about it. We hugged and then he kissed me when I left. That was Friday, and it is now A week later and neither of us has reached out to each other yet. As a woman, I feel like this is an eternity and there’s no hope, but I know men have different time frames. Any help or insight would be appreciated…I really care for this man and am feeling so sad right now!

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Hungileni December 24, 2013 at 3:39 am

Thank you so much for posting this article!

In 2011 I met a guy who is 10 years my senior, we hit it off although at the time we where still seeing other people. I got pregnant in 2012, and asked for a break and stopped contact. He contacted me later on in 2012, wanting to patch things up and see where it goes. He was heartbroken as he found out I had gotten pregnant. He than stopped all contact which was only natural.

We share the same profession so we maintained professional contact. This year I ended things with a long-term emotional and verbally abusive relationship with my baby daddy. Coincidently a week ago, my long time love interest had his email account hacked and since I’m one of his contacts, the hackers sent me a suspicious email. I than called him for the first time this year, to find out if he was okay. He told it was a hoax but than asked me to go out because he had come to my town for a colleagues occasion.

I agreed to go out with him, taking that I’m now single, he asked me if I’m still with the baby daddy, he was delighted to find out that I wasn’t he than told me he had broken up with his girlfriend. We had a very passionate night together, we just kissed and cuddled I held off sex. Not wanting to dive in too deep and get hurt.

The following day we shared breakfast together and he introduced me to his best friend, he than said his goodbyes and kissed me in public for the very first time. We shared our schedules, and since he’ll be out of town for 2 a week, he asked when I would be in his town.

After 2 days I texted him telling him how much I’d missed him. He didn’t reply after a day. I was literally going mad, until I found this article.

Thank you so much Jenn!
Today on the 24th of December 2013, I’ve made a pledge to stop contacting him, and start seeing other guys. I do really care for him so I hope this turns out well, in either case atleast after that I’ll know if he’ll man up for me.

Will let you know of the outcome.
Cheers!

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Jess January 26, 2014 at 3:35 am

Hi Jenn,
so I have this guy friend that has been my best friend for two years now. We see each other every day and if there is ever a day that we’re apart he’ll tell me he misses me and isn’t afraid to say that infront of other people. I’ve been there for him in some of the hardest and saddest moments of his life and he tells me he doesn’t know what he would do without me. He tells his family about me and begged me to meet his mother, which I did and I liked her very much she reminded me of my own mother. He is always looking out for me and has even stood up for me before. He gets scared sometimes that I’ll fall off a ladder and hurt myself and always blows out candles in my house haha and I ask him why is he always so worried and he says that I’m worried that I’d ever lose you”.. He has come to me many drunken nights crying saying “don’t be mad Jess but I hate how stupid I am for always going for girls that don’t care about me and just want one night stands” ( he’s a handsome guy and always has girls telling him how hot he is). I never knew how to take this because him and I were and are not a couple why should I have the right to be mad!? I have to admit though I do get more sad than mad because I think we will never be anything. Heck we have never even kissed! But he does pick me up and carries me on his shoulder a lot and grabs my hands sometimes to hold them… Him and I have never talked about us.. I feel like since him and I are so young, 20 years old, that he isn’t ready for a relationship or it could be that since he is young and we’re in college and he is good looking with girls always saying hi that he will never grow out of that. He is one of the most confusing men I have ever met.
Please please help me Jenn!- I know this is a long story but I don’t understand how he can tell me his dreams and hold other girls at night.

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Michelle L February 19, 2014 at 9:57 pm

I will update, but as of now, I had serious intuition after a great 4th date that I would not see my guy again. It was awesome until the last 10 minutes, and then suddenly really odd. I can’t explain it, but despite him telling me I’ll see you soon, I knew it was a lie. I haven’t seen him since. After that date he did not initiate contact until five days later. I have not heard from him since then, that was two days ago, so he initiated once in seven days, which is not normal for him. I’m pretty sure that will be the last time. I am dating other guys, although this one is currently constantly on my mind. Will keep you updated. This is a great idea.

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Stella March 2, 2014 at 7:06 pm

Their is this guy that I really like and he likes me too but he have a girlfriend, we got together like three times. From that time , every time I text or call him, he won’t text me or call me back. All I think about is him, I don’t think about anybody else. Please tell me what I should do about this. Because it’s really killing me inside

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Jennie March 11, 2014 at 1:02 pm

Hello Jenn! I just found your website and I’m so glad I did!! Your message is so easy and understandable. I really love your ‘He’s just not into you, Yet!’ mantra. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I had embraced this a long time ago. So, I’m single – again. And finally after a lot of dating met a wonderful guy. We had a great first date – after a few weeks of chatting and working out our schedules – and made out (kissing only) at the end of the night. He texted me 2 days later to say it was great meeting me and I was a lot of fun..and from there we had a nice few texts back and forth. Problem was he didn’t ask me out and I haven’t heard from him again. It’s been a week and one day :( Should I in any way text him – maybe just something funny or interesting – to keep the communication flowing – while I date others?? Or does it all have to come from him. Do you think I’ll hear from him again – is it normal for men take a while to pick things back up??

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Jenn Burton June 6, 2014 at 4:35 pm

My rule of thumb is let them do most of the initiation. But it’s okay to send him a message. If you don’t hear from him then let it go until he contacts you. Check out my post about what to do when he goes MIA. and yes it is normal for men to take a while to contact you, sometimes my man didn’t contact me for up to five weeks!

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Vee May 28, 2014 at 3:37 pm

Can the tables really turn after you have chased a guy?

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Jenn Burton June 6, 2014 at 4:30 pm

It is not easy Vee, but it is doable. I’ve done personally, but truthfully most of the time when it happens you realize you don’t want that person anymore.

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