#FairyDustTV Episode 4, Why Did He Disappear?
#FairyDustTV Video Transcript:
Why Did He Disappear?
This is a question I get asked very often by women when a guy decides to check out of the dating process with her. What’s going through his mind? Why and why do you need to know that?
Let’s start with a story.
In 2006 my ex-husband and I, pre-divorce, decided to do a trial separation living in separate cities about three hours apart from each other. On the third year anniversary of our marriage, we also tried one last reconciliation to see if we could work things out.
Instead I realized that this wasn’t for me anymore, but I still did not have the courage to ask him for a divorce. On my knees I prayed to God to send me a sign. Three days later while I was out with my sister, a man approached me and started a conversation.
This wasn’t a particularly gorgeous man, and I certainly wasn’t weak in the knees for him. At the end of that conversation, he looked at me, and said, “how about if I take you out on a real date?”
Now I did not know at that time what it meant to be an adored woman.
I’ve had so many crappy relationships. And I was at the end of a really crappy marriage.
Don’t get me wrong I‘ve had some great romantic moments, but I did not truly understand what it means and feels like to be a woman who is loved, adored and cherished by a man who feels the same about her.
So when he asked me out on a date, I couldn’t recollect when I had ever been asked out on a real date. Of course, I’ve been out on dates. But to have a man be so forward as “will you go out on a real date with me”, something changed at that moment. This man started to intrigue me even though physically I didn’t find him all that attractive.
Yet, over the next few months, I found myself in a whirlwind romance.
AND I lost my mind for this guy.
I was having more fun than had I ever had with any man in my entire life. He was not only an amazing kisser, but he was good in bed. We had a great time on dates, I felt alive. Wildly alive. It was really, really good.
Finally mustered up the courage to ask my then husband for a divorce.
As soon as I did that, without me saying anything to this other man who I was having this whirlwind romance with, that guy disappeared.
I flipped out – seriously flipped out!
I thought I was going to lose my mind because not only I was getting a divorce (my ex-husband was moving in with another woman), but the guy that I thought was the love of my life, was gone too. FYI: We didn’t really have any exclusive terms, I just assumed that because everything was so wonderful.
I went into obsession mode.
I texted him, I called him, I did everything I could to try figure out what was going on.
The next 2 or 3 months, I couldn’t think of anything but him, EVERY SINGLE DAY.
LUCKILY, I did have some things that saved me. And today I am going to take you through the steps I did to help break that obsession.
BUT First, I’ll answer that big burning question: Why did he disappear? Why did he go MIA?
The Top Four Reasons Men Disappear:
1. The Man Pause
By the way I’m specifically talking about the dating phase, – not about when a guy disappears in a relationship.
It’s NOT uncommon for men to take a pause and consider a long-term relationship with you.
Let’s say things are going really well. You guys are hitting it off. And then,out of nowhere his communication pattern with you changes. He maybe communicating significantly less or not at all.
Understand that this is just a man pause. It’s not a reason to lose your mind.
It might take a day, a two or a week. For my current husband, the man pause lasted five weeks
I want to reframe this because this is when most women freak out.
We automatically assume the worst and flip out on him.
We go so deep into our insecurities when a man has not continued the communication with us exactly the way he has before.
We start texting, obsessing, and doing stupid things.
Or we start sending those “is everything okay?” text messages.
When a guy goes into man pause, he needs a minute – a minute (which can be a day or a week)- just to consider whether or not he sees you two long term.
No need to freak out.
Let’s interpret this as if you had just eaten the best meal of your life.
What do you do after that?
Do you start eating another huge best meal?
No, you’d start vomiting everywhere and it doesn’t feel good. It hurts.
Instead, you take some time to digest.
This is what a man pause is like. He is digesting everything that’s been going on with the two of you and considering whether or not this is something he likes to proceed with.
2. He met someone that piqued his interest, and it pushed him into that man pause.
Now he is considering his long term feelings for you versus this other woman.
I can understand this one freaking you a little bit more than the first one. But I don’t want this one to freak you out either.
Him being pushed by a woman into the man pause isn’t necessarily a bad thing either.
Sometimes men get to see how amazing you are by spending a little time with another woman before you two hit exclusivity.
Unfortunately, too many women get shitty about this and really pissed off.
The truth is you should be considering other options as well, so the two of you are on equal playing ground.
The man pause in this case is not always a bad thing, but it doesn’t guarantee that he’ll be coming back to you either.
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3. He was a complete douchebag, looking for a hook up.
This happens but it’s not quite as common as you think.
This is what happens more often:
Like I tell all my clients – men want to have sex with you. It is a natural response to his attraction to you, and it’s not a reason to get upset and freak out.
Women tend to get caught up in their feelings and emotions, and she does end up having sex before she really wants to. She ends up out of integrity with herself feeling exposed and dangerously emotionally vulnerable.
He goes into man pause taking a moment to consider their long term potential and she freaks out.
The she goes into obsessive mode: sending him all kinds of messages, calling, social media stalking. He can’t handle that, and this pushes him away.
All because he didn’t get that moment to pause, collect himself, digest everything that’s going on, and consider a future with you.
But I do want to warn you that there are actual DOUCHEBAGS still out there.
There are guys who just want to hook up, and then just disappear.
There’s nothing that you could have done about it. Just make sure that if you are going to have sex with the man, do it because you really want to have sex and not because you’re hoping it’s going to turn into a long term relationship.
It is a risk you take, and 100% your decision. But what’s important is that you don’t freak out afterwards.
He may disappear – (that’s a small percentage), even IF you’re not freaking out.
BUT He’s more likely to disappear if you do freak out and start over messaging him.
4. He might have a lot of stress going on. This is more common than you think.
This happened with my current husband.
Now no other person in the world that teaches dating will tell you that you should give a guy a chance if you don’t hear from him for a very long time.
My husband used to go for up to 5 weeks at a time before contacting me.
And yes, I could have freaked out about it. History shows that I am really good at it;-)
But I didn’t.
I chose not to. I chose to let things unveil themselves, and amazingly enough, we became exclusive, got married, and are still together nine years later.
Again, nobody’s going to tell you that. Everyone’s going to tell you that when he’s not paying attention to you, then you just let him go, But I’m telling you don’t have to. And I’ll show how to do it without freaking out next.
Recap: He might have a lot of stress going on.
Financially, things may be a little shaky and he doesn’t want to put this on you.
Or he isn’t ready to share this with you.
This does happen, and it’s important that you’re not bombarding him with the “is everything okay” “Are you mad at me?” “Are you this?” “Are you that?” text again and again and again.
Don’t do it. Just understand that this might need a minute or two and will probably contact you when he can come up for air.
I know you came here for the WHY.
Here’s the thing, the WHY is not nearly as important as to how you react to the situation. You’re thinking that knowing the why is going to help you figure out how to get him back.
The WHY doesn’t help you get him back.
The WHY is just for you to soothe what’s going on in your head.
The HOW TO and WHAT YOU DO is going to give you a chance.
The first thing you have to do is not to freak out. (I CAN’T SAY THIS ENOUGH)
Repeat: Do not freak out under any circumstances just because you haven’t heard from a guy or his pattern of communication changed.
It happens. It’s okay.
It doesn’t mean the death of everything. We like to say it does in our head because we think we’re protecting ourselves. We’re not protecting ourselves from anything, ladies. Nothing! Just take a deep breath and don’t freak out.
Here’s the key: Get back to things that you’re neglecting.
Because I know I personally done it, I know you’ve done it too.
You meet a man.
You’re having this whirlwind romance and you’re going out a lot.
You’re spending a lot of time in his place.
You’re staying up all night.
You’re talking on the phone all night.
You start neglecting the other things in your life – your work, your friendships, your duties at home.
There’s all kind of things to neglect, and on top of being worried about whether or not he’s going to contact you again, you’re feeling all freaked out because you’re unsettled.
You feel out of control.
If you want to turn this around then I need you to start tending to the things that you’ve been neglecting right away. This is a big one.
Second, don’t start texting him asking him if everything’s okay or if he’s mad at you.
Not a good idea. Don’t do it. Don’t do it at all.
Third, remember: you guys haven’t discussed being in an exclusive relationship.
I think this one is probably the MOST important.
NOTE: I’m going to say this time and time again:
Just because you both say you’re not sleeping with anybody else, doesn’t mean you’re in an exclusive relationship.
An exclusive relationship is when a man or the two of you discuss, and he has said “Yes, I want you to be my girlfriend”, “Yes, I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you and not see anybody else”. Not just not sleep with anybody else. Only then you have an exclusive relationship.
If that hasn’t been discussed, then there is no official exclusive relationship.
And If you’re not in an exclusive relationship you should be opening up your options.
If you’re only investing in him, you put yourself in an exclusive relationship that he’s not in.
Most of the time, that doesn’t end well.
It hurts and it hurts really bad.
I need you to start considering your options
Your genuine options with men. No worries I’ve got help for you.
What I want you to do, is I want you to go this website and grab the first two chapters for free:
Because you don’t have to go through this part alone.
Fourth, after you open up your options, you can contact him again.
Send him a fun text genuinely enthusiastic to connect with him.
Not an accusing text – none of that.
Wait at minimum of 3 days with the promise to your Romantic Fairy Godmomma that you are actually keeping your options open and dating other men.
BUT If you don’t hear back from him, I want you to understand something…
You remember the guy I was obsessed with? We’ll call him John. What I realized after a while and after I met my husband, is that it was universal protection that I never heard from him. That’s what it is for you too.
Sometimes, this is not about him at all. Actually, all of the time it’s not about him.
This is YOUR OPPORTUNITY, and it is your opportunity for you to trust in yourself that this person is not being brought into your life for a damn good reason.
The universe is protecting you so be okay with that.
Just be okay with the fact that he might not be your man.
That doesn’t mean your man isn’t out there, Capice?
I know personally how hard it is to deal with when a man you really, really like disappears. I get it – it hurts like a m@#^%*- f*^%$! It took me a while to get the guy I was obsessed with out of my head, but one of the things I did is I honored myself by allowing genuinely open up my options with men. Took me about three months, but I got rewarded.
I was rewarded and protected.
Yes, I really liked that guy. A lot. But I also realized that he wasn’t good for me and…
I found my upgrade.
This is the principle of Mantourage Dating.
If you want him, date other men too.
If he mans up, he’s yours; if he doesn’t, he never was.
Remember, if you love something, set him free.
Same principle you’re going to add the component of Mantourage Dating — dating more than one man at a time until you have exclusivity. Not just sexual exclusivity, but until you have relationship exclusivity.
Believe in yourself.
Know that you can open up your options to men.
There are men out there who can make you feel even better than this man does. I know it’s hard to believe when you’re in that moment. But if you can remove yourself, you’re going to logically use your brain, logically disassemble what’s going on, and understand that your insecurities are speaking, not your heart.
You’re so worried that you’re never going to feel the same way about another man, that you’re not giving yourself an opportunity.
Once you start giving yourself an opportunity, you’re going to understand the magic of Mantourage Dating.
You’re going to build confidence.
You’re going to create great boundaries.
You’re going to meet the love or loves of your life.