Superficially Superficial, Are You Attractive Enough to Date?
Last year, I was speaking to a man about whims, desires, and the state of our American society. We were talking about attraction and such when he says to me, “We are a very superficial society.” For some reason, it triggered me, to which I quickly retorted, “Actually, we are only ‘Superficially Superficial.’“
I remember all too clearly my dating days in my 20s.
I was so exceptionally insecure about my body and my beauty that I took my ideas to extremes. Even though I had men who were attracted to me, you couldn’t tell me that I possessed a beautiful cell in my body. I was a self-hater from way back, so much so that I had convinced myself that the only men that would be attracted to me were from other countries and other cultures. I truly believed that the Single White American Male had absolutely no interest in me or my body type.
This mentality didn’t change whether I was fat or thin, and like the average American woman yo-yo dieting, my body has gone up and down since my teenage years. What finally changed was my decision to say, “Fuck it… I am going to give my dating and romantic research the opportunity to prove me wrong!” It was hard enough believing that somehow, I didn’t fit into society, but devastating to think that somehow, I didn’t deserve love from any type of man I may be interested in.
Maybe there was a good chance after all that I was completely wrong.
Good news, I was. Completely wrong. Absurdly wrong. Really freakin’ wrong.
You see, this dating and romance coach has a thick body type. I have back, and I have breasts, and like I mentioned before, my weight goes up and down. I put myself on the dating market again, and to my surprise, ALL kinds of men found me really attractive. My first thought was that this must be some kind of fluke, but then I remembered something that was a key factor in changing my mind.
I had a friend throughout high school and in our early 20s who was amazing with men. She, too, had been challenged by her weight, and even at her heaviest, men would fall head over heels for her. I never did fully understand it, until it all clicked while I was dating.
THE KEY TO MALE ATTRACTION:
You must begin to embrace and own your personal type of beauty.
You see, my friend didn’t hate herself because she was heavier. She still fully understood her own personal type of beauty and knew that men would be attracted to her. I personally could never see that men aside from other cultures had any interest in me, because I had convinced myself there was no way a woman of size would be sexy to the American male.
So inadvertently, I shooed away most men interested in me because I couldn’t understand what the hell it was they saw in me. If they liked me, there must be something functionally wrong with them. I also couldn’t comprehend a man’s flirtatious manner. I was truly oblivious.
Oblivion is a huge factor to not being adored by men.
We constantly chalk men up to being only interested in super models, cheerleaders, Victoria’s Secrets models, and having little interest in anything outside the box of what our society dictates about beauty. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Think about it. Haven’t you ever fallen hard for that guy who wasn’t classically handsome? He wasn’t tall, he wasn’t dark, and, well, he wasn’t your normal idea of handsome? I certainly know I have. I fell HARD, a few times. The thing about men, though, is that they usually have a more eclectic version of beauty. They are usually more of equal opportunity daters than most women.
CASE IN POINT: My man, Will. Devilishly handsome. Kind as can be. Attracted to all types of women. Has dated throughout the cultural rainbow. When asked who he finds more beautiful, Angelina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston, hands down he goes with Jennifer. Why? Because he is wildly attracted to the girl next door look. Actually, his attraction is never specific.
Of course, he thinks the Victoria’s Secret Models are exceptionally gorgeous, but his world view on women is broad. In general, he thinks women are beautiful and sexy.
Funny thing is that with most of the women I have worked with that fall into society’s main stream definition of beauty, pretty doesn’t usually equal lots of dates and an instant love connection. Most of the time, these woman also have problems with owning their own particular brand of beauty and embracing it.
Initially, a man’s attraction undoubtedly comes from a visual aspect. No one is denying here that men are highly visual. Yet there are two things you must also take into consideration about a man’s attraction.
1) Men decide to spend more time with you based on how much they enjoy your company.
You could be the superest of the super models, but if you are a real drag to be around, there’s a good chance that he will be moving on to happier pastures.
2) Beauty is mentally and spiritually malleable.
The more you own your beauty and celebrate your physical attributes, as well as cultivate your self worth, more men will grow wildly attracted to you. Remember the phrase, “She radiates”? Well, never, ever doubt that the more you like yourself and the more you are excited about who you are, the more you will glow. Men love glow!!! It feels good to be around glow.
Last but not least, start paying attention to how men notice you with their smiles, their winks, and their need to say something to you from across the room. When it comes down to it, understand that our society may at first glance be superficial, but if you uncover just a layer or two, you will realize that when it comes to dating and love, we are really seeking out feelings and connection. Even though I am on an up weight right now, men still express their interest in me. With that said, know that any thoughts you may harbor about what men are attracted to are only useful if you incorporate their eclectic nature. For each type of female beauty there is in this world, there are several men to behold it.
Your ‘Own Your Beauty’ action step: Google cultural beauty; Google fat and culture. See what you find.
The more you expand your idea of beauty, the easier it is to own your own beauty. Short, tall, thick, skinny, voluptuous, small chest, fine hair, thick locks… it can all be attractive. Leave a comment below about what you find beautiful and attractive. If you like this article, be sure to share on Facebook & Twitter!
P.P.S.
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