I’d like to know something about you…
Are you a glass half full Lovergirl, or a “poor me, I don’t have a damn glass” kind of gal?
It’s not my favorite thing to admit, but I used to be the latter. And to add insult to injury, I carried out all my interactions with men as if I wasn’t worthy of being loved adored and cherished by a guy I felt the same about.
Yet, in 2006… I learned something that rocked not only my love life to the core, but my entire life as well. This information changed my romantic fate, and recalculated my life’s trajectory.
If you have been following me any length of time, then you just may know I started my magical dating adventures in 2006 upon leaving my marriage. And as a Romantic Fairy Godmother for Strong Successful Single Women, I work diligently every day to help my clients have the same. But, it may come as a bit of surprise that I am not specifically talking about creating magical dating adventures. I am actually writing about some very important pre-work that enabled me to create the incredible dating adventures that I wanted, and the subsequent 7-year relationship with my super hot man.
Oh come on Jenn, quit holding out on us…. What did you learn? What did you do?
Okay, Okay… don’t let fairy dust make you itch in the oh-so-wrong places…. I’ll tell you.
It’s two fold actually…
Something I learned, and something I did with the something learned.
1. Perception is Power(ful)
The word perception is defined as the organization, identification, and interpretation of sensory information in order to represent and understand the environment. (Daniel Schacter, Psychology 2011)
Now this first piece of what I learned can be extremely sour in the mouths of many. To the everyday woman, this means classifying and stereotyping men according to her personal experiences and those of her close female friends, colleagues, and family members. Unfortunately for many, this also means that other men don’t have much of a chance with them either.
Because their perception is already clouded by a poor understanding of men and their behavior, which leaves little room for men to get it right with them before they have consciously – or subconsciously – dismissed him as “one of those guys”.
How do you know if this so about a woman, Jenn?
Well frankly, all I have to do is listen to her personal account of her romantic history.
If it is plagued with ‘then he did this to me’, ‘you know, guys like that’, or well ‘he’s (insert ethnicity, age, or other based stereotype to explain his behavior)’; then it’s pretty obvious.
Unfortunately, I see women use these perceptions time and time again. I even see insane levels of commitment to these dis-empowering, and frankly cock-blocking perceptions.
Because, what you repeatedly perceive, you will repeatedly look for signs of.
And what you are committed to seeking (consciously or subconsciously), you will find.
You want a magical love life? COMMIT to seeing your Romantic History through the eyes of a woman having been on a life long love adventure, sprinkled with lessons and opportunities instead of just heartbreak and sorrow.
Then COMMIT to seeing men through a different lense. One where they have a real fighting chance to win with you.
Well, that leads me to the second piece of this enchanted equation.
2. I personally changed my perception of men before I had proof. And then, I went looking for proof that my new perception was correct.
Before my dating adventures, I was consumed by my insecurities with men, and I convinced myself that no wonderful guy really wanted to love, adore, cherish, and support me. I convinced myself that I could only get away with dating certain types of men because they were they only ones who would find me attractive. And once I was dating or in a long term relationship, I would seek to confirm these perceptions by picking each man apart little by little.
I would say “Oh he did this for me, BUT it doesn’t count because of this, this, and that”
And it went on and on. I used my perceptions to build an insurmountable wall around my heart.
And guess what I experienced time and time again?
Disappointment and heartbreak.
UNTIL: I took on my perception of the world and shaped it in a brand new way for me.
First, I decided that I really didn’t know or understand men like I thought I did.
Then, I decided that there was not just one, but probably HUNDREDS of men that would LOVE to be my man on my terms.
Next, I chose to redefine my romantic history, and to understand that almost everything leading up to that point didn’t happen because something was so wrong with me. Instead, it happened because there was something incredibly right about me and my quirks, my strengths, my beauty, my softspots… etc., and that this perception could be used to open the doorway to having all I’ve ever wanted with men. (Yes… I was learning everything I needed to know)
Finally, to address my nerves about this new exciting adventure with men, I chose to approach the adventure under the lens of romantic research. (Which allowed my scared-to-death to brain process information and enjoy the journey instead of feeling like I had to “get it right.”)
As you might have inferred from this site, my experiment worked (!), and worked so well that I get share the fairy dust with my clients on a daily basis.
So Lovergirl, remember.. perception is powerful. Use yours for good instead of evil (in your love life that is;-)
P.S. Stay tuned for the next edition of Fairy Dust Friday. Oh, and be sure to get your Fairy Dust delivered to your inbox by adding your name and email address below. (Little known secret: there are lots of magical tricks, stories, and inspirational tidbits for your love life and dating adventures that I only share via inbox for my ladies.)