#FairyDustTV Episode 3, #AskJenn Q&A, Why Didn’t He Leave Her? Dating Married Men
#FairyDust TV Video Transcript:
#FairyDustTV Q & A topic is a little difficult for me to talk about it because it is something that I have very strong beliefs on.
This question comes all the way from Australia:
“I met a man about year and a half ago. We were friends for five months and became intimate, he was married and told me he was very unhappy and had no sexual contact with her for two years.
He then moved to his mother’s house three weeks later. We dated for five months.Then he said he was confused about going back to her — she found out about me a few weeks after he had moved back into the house.
We stayed in touch and just after Christmas he said he was not happy that they were fighting again and that he was leaving again. Now, he’s telling me that they are going to work on their marriage and he can’t have contact with me anymore. What is his problem and why won’t he leave her?”
Before I get started with this Q, I want everyone to know that I am 100% against dating married men.
This is not based on a moral judgement.
The first rule of thriving romantic relationships is that you have to have an integrity with yourself. Deep down, most women DO NOT FEEL in integrity while dating a married man.
BUT I am personally against dating married men for a myriad of other reasons; mainly because it is one of the most complicated relationships that you can get yourself into.
All it says to me when a women is dating a married man is that she doesn’t value herself enough to open up her options to other men; to genuine options and real love.
What is his problem and why won’t he leave her?
A man may marry a woman for a lot of different reasons; but it’s mainly because he loves her. He sees a life with her, a future with her.
As the relationship progresses, life happens. Men and women get caught up in routine. Many allow the magic of the relationship to fall away, and then attribute it to being together too long.
The truth is that the magic has to be nourished throughout a relationship.
If it’s not, the relationship falls apart.
Affairs happen.
People split up.
Divorce happens.
I’m not saying that this is always what happens but it definitely happens a lot.
NOTE: For most men, sexual contact is important and that’s also part of the magic. When a woman turns off her sexual affection for a man, then real problems can arise.
A lot of times guys (women too) will start entertaining the idea of meeting his sexual needs elsewhere especially because the emotional affection was also turned off. That’s a good recipe for a man or a woman to look outside of a marriage for replacement parts.
AND ALTHOUGH THIS MARRIAGE MAY LOOK LIKE IT’S ON ITS LAST LEG…
That magic that started at the beginning — that made him get down on one knee and propose to her and decide to spend a lifetime with her. That’s not completely dead and gone.
Time and time again when a married woman realizes that she could lose him for good, she can turn that magic back ‘ON’.
We women are that powerful. We have that much input in our romantic life, and since that hasn’t completely died in him, there is still an opportunity to resurrect things.
Plus when she finds out that he’s seeing another woman and BAM!
That’s it! It’s on.
She’s ready to go.
She is ready to fight for what she believes is hers.
For that reason alone, I never recommend dating a married man.
Women are that powerful.
If he fell in love with her once, he can fall in love with her again and again and again and again.
You don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes. She may have started taking better care of herself, or she might have started having fun with him again. They might have started having amazing sex again.
I hate to say that because I know you’re going through a breakup and this is really painful but he agreed to marry her. Which means she has the right to resurrect their relationship.
Now I wanna go to the even more important question than ‘why he won’t he leave her’.
Obviously, he feels like there’s something worth saving in that marriage, and again we don’t know what’s going on behind the scenes.
My guess is that she’s turned it on again for the relationship. She is bound and determined that he will desire her again, and it’s working.
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Yes, they might end up fighting again future, but I have and even bigger question for you:
What makes you believe you don’t deserve to have a man that’s all your own and dedicated to you?
What is telling you to be tied exclusively to a man who already has a commitment to somebody else?
Let me help you break this down even more…
Why do some women date married men?
Some women mistake chemistry for true love.
He is very doting and adoring, and they get swept up, possibly caught off guard. He makes her feel things below the belt that she hasn’t felt in years, and she mistakes that for true love and connection.
2. Some women are addicted to romantic messiness.
For some it has to be an adrenaline rush for them to feel like it’s love. But above all please remember, a woman who dates a married man exclusively, doesn’t believe that she really deserves, knows how to have nor truly wants an exclusive relationship with somebody that partners her and that’s really sad to say. That speaks volumes about how she feels about herself.
What’s the answer to this?
I specifically teach a type of dating called Mantourage Dating™.
The basis of Mantourage Dating™ is that you date more than one man at a time until you have exclusivity.
Now I am not talking about married, separated, or otherwise taken men. I never encourage my clients to date men in these categories. I will say there have been a few exceptions where the woman dates a man whose paperwork is almost finalized, but even that I’m highly cautious about.
The biggest reason for that is because a married man can never truly make you his priority so long as he has a connection (emotional or by law) to his wife.
Once those divorce papers are finalized, yes, things can happen. You guys can rock and roll. There might still be some hiccups if he’s coming right out of a divorce but that’s more of a go.
While he’s in the marriage, I would keep my distance. Consider it emotional protection for your heart.
The other thing is until you actually have an exclusive relationship – again, knowing a married man cannot give you an exclusive relationship under any circumstances, you should never make somebody your exclusive priority.
This is actually a great quote from Maya Angelou:
“Never make somebody a priority when all you are is an option”.
That is the premise of Mantourage Dating™. You can’t make man the priority in your life when he cannot make you his exclusive
option. And by the way, saying you guys are only sleeping with each other is NOT an exclusive option.
When a man says “yes, I want you to be my girlfriend. I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you”, or when he proposes to you, then you know you have exclusivity with him. Up until that point you, as a woman, you need to keep your options open.
Why?
Because this mitigates so many problems that we women face when it comes to dating and relationships. We automatically zero in on and put all of our attention on this one man – our heart, our soul and everything.
He’s sitting there trying to process all this attention, but men just aren’t wired to process attention like that unless they’re already in love with you, and they only want to be with you at that point.
With all that said, think Maya Angelou: never make somebody a priority when all you are is an option.
What I need you to do is to take a step back.
Miss Upset In Australia, I know you’re hurting. This is a break up. It is a real true to life break up regardless of whether or not I like the premise of what.
You’re going to have to honor all those emotions, but what I need you to start doing is really asking yourself why.
Why are you not opening up your options to other men who have the emotional and physical capability to love you, adore you and cherish you?
Once you start answering that question it’s time to start dating again.
Put yourself out there.
One of the best ways to start dating and open up your options without actually having to physically leave the house until you get ready and you can build up some of your confidence is by online dating. (Hint: my favorite way to start meeting your mantourage.)
Now it doesn’t mean that you will definitely meet your man — that love of your life, on online dating. But it will start prepping you, opening you up, and allowing to you to see your genuine romantic options, especially if you do it the right way. (Plus since 1 in 4 relationships is starting with an online introduction, so frankly there is a good chance you will)
Don’t just put some crappy profile up by the way.
DO NOT, under any circumstances (especially when you’re already feeling kinda bad and going through a breakup) put up some crappy profile with some just bland stuff, and then just expect the love of your life walk through the door. That’s actually a recipe for crickets and crazies, and not the fun possibilities of online dating.
Avoid crickets and crazies by putting together an incredible online dating profile that makes you stand out to the right men from the 1000s of women in your area.
Click here: http://E-rresistibility.com
Oh and you can get the first two chapters for free.
Make this the year that you say:
“I’m not waiting around. I am ready for love. I am ready to be loved, adored and cherished on my terms, not his terms, not when he’s not done with her or having to go back and forth between the breakups and makeups and all that. I deserve a man who can say ‘hey I want you, I wanna be with you, I wanna do this with you, I wanna build a life together’”.
Stop playing with the scraps of romantic attention from a man who cannot commit to you.
You deserve better than that, no matter what happened in your past.
You deserve to feel that way towards a man who can feel that way and give you what you want as well.
So to my girl in Australia, I’m sending you lots of love.
I don’t want you to go back to him.
I think it’s a really, really bad idea.
You deserve way better than to date a man who was married. On the other hand, you also deserve to have what you want romantically and you can do that by genuinely opening up your options to men.
Genuinely open up. Say it today, and say out loud:
“Yes I am going to give many opportunities for him to step up and show me what love is really like, what true love is about. Not crappy love. Not behind the curtains love. Not ‘let’s pretend this is love because I’m so in need for affection and attention right now.’”
Take a step forward for yourself.
Go check out this website http://E-rresistibility.com, get the first two chapters, and start rethinking your romantic world.
XO,
Jenn
P.S.
Ready to build your very own Mantourage? Good, because I have two free chapters of my online dating program E-rresistibility for you to check out here, http://E-rresistibility.com and start creating your very own magical dating experiences like I did.
