A couple of months ago, I embarked on an exercise journey after a long hiatus. It is still going really well. I am one Crossfitting/ Bikram Yoga-doing Romantic Fairy Godmomma. In fact, I’ve even started to deepen my physical strength journey by starting my first Whole 30 this week. I started Oct 1st officially. (Full disclosure… I’m nervous as hell. I’ve been eating real food for several years now, but these guidelines might do me in, lol. Although every friend that has done it has loved it. So I’m in.)
And maybe it was do to with this deeper journey that I am about to embark on, feeling a little out of sorts, or maybe something else entirely. But I found myself on the insecure side of being around men this week. And I couldn’t believe the shit that was coming out of my mouth.
Here’s what went down.
I went to a Crossfit class at noon the other day. And for the first time since I joined a few months ago, I was the only woman in the class. 10 other men were in attendance and me. C’est tout.
Now normally, I love being around men. I go to Crossfit specifically because these days my world is mostly filled with women. I am pretty sure I show up just to give my coach Todd a hard time. But on Tuesday, something really strange happened.
Men kept coming up to strike up a conversation, talking about the workout, introducing themselves, and other random things like asking me if I wanted to be on their team for the workout.
And I started jokingly criticizing myself in front of them.
The same shit I used to do YEARS ago when I sucked with men.
I couldn’t stop. It was if someone had given me permission to roast myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I love a good roast. I especially love female comedians. Playfully poking fun at yourself is all in good fun.
EXCEPT when women publicly make fun of their sexual proclivity and their vaginal size to get a laugh out of men. (This makes me cringe every time, unless they are being blatantly ironic.)
Now I am not a comedian, although I constantly remind my daughter that I am much funnier than her father who fancies himself one.
But on Tuesday, I kept trying to be funny at my own expense. And although I wasn’t bombing with the guys, I was, on the other hand, breaking one of my own steadfast rules of male interaction and dating.
RULE: Never complain about or criticize yourself in front of a man.
When he compliments you, the only correct answer is ‘Thank you’. No downplaying the compliment, no telling him about your cellulite on your thighs. Just thank you.
Why? Because men want to focus on what they like about you. They(most of them) aren’t picking apart everything that is wrong with you. That’s what we do to them usually (not condoning this either).
But here I was, begging myself to shut the f#4k up and I COULDN’T STOP.
AAAAAAAACCKKKKK…. yep, I am still feeling it a bit today. (The good news is that this isn’t detrimental to my love life currently, but as your Romantic Fairy Godmomma, it is important for me to address and rectify.)
So I decided to break it down and figure out why all this is coming up for me right now. What I came up with:
Solutions for women who feel verbally inept with men:
1. UNDERSTAND THIS FIRST:
99% of the time when we talk shit about ourselves in front of men, it is because we think it is better and safer for us to say something derogatory about ourselves than to let them find out on their own. Sort of a ‘beat them to the punch’ kind of thing. But all we are really doing is pointing out something they probably wouldn’t have noticed or couldn’t have cared less about, until we pointed it out.
2. Go where the men are.
Yes… I am not kidding, actually go hang around men and don’t be one of the guys. Practice letting them talk to you, do for you, open doors etc. Let yourself be the only woman in the room, being the playful, flirtatious, non-self-criticizing hottie. Don’t be afraid to have a different opinion, or to confess to loving female things and activities.
3. Start by practicing eye contact with men.
One of my favorite books on the subject is: “The Power Of Eye Contact” by Michael Ellsberg. You can baby step your way to great conversations with men that you are specifically attracted to by learning the art of flirting via eye contact first. The more comfortable you are with the eye contact, the easier the conversations will get.
You can get the book on kindle here: The Power of Eye Contact
Or paperback here: The Power of Eye Contact Paperback
(Yes these are my affiliate links)
4. Don’t beat yourself up because a conversation with a man didn’t go like you had hoped.
It’s all about the practice. It is impossible to get better at being comfortable around men you are attracted to, unless you actually practice. Only then can you learn the communication skills you need with men to create a life long love story.
Join me for a live round of The Courage Kit. This is where I will teach you the sweet spot communication with men that turned my own dating adventures upside down and opened a dating world that I hadn’t even dreamed of. Plus I found my love. And we are still together 8 years later. You can learn more HERE
Finally Lovergirl, remember communication with men should be playful. Quite a bit playful. Men respond very well to that. And playful doesn’t necessarily indicate sexual, unless you want it to.
Fairy Dust Friday Over & Out,