#FairyDustTV Episode 8, What Am I Doing Wrong? Troubleshooting Your Dating Life For Women
Dating can be one of the most frustrating events in your life if you allow it to be.
Or it can be magical like my dating experiences in 2006 before I met the love of my life. (Pre 2006 my dating experiences sucked on many levels)
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#FairyDustTV Video Transcript:
What Am I Doing Wrong? Troubleshooting Your Dating Life For Women
I do acknowledge dating can be specifically frustrating when you feel like you’re only meeting the wrong guy.
If things keep going sour or if you never make it to date two or three, I personally know it can be exhausting to think about. You can spend an insane amount of time questioning your girlfriends or your guy friends for that matter and analyzing the crap out of each situation: what does this mean when he did this or when he did that?
It can literally send you around the bend –if you know what I mean. But on the other hand, if you know what you’re doing, it can be a truly magical experience that leads to a love life that you want.
Which means if everything in your love life seems to be going wrong or it’s just not as fulfilling as you’d like it to be I am going to cover 3 areas today that all women need to look at in order to troubleshoot their dating experience.
1. Start with your perception of dating.
Dating cannot be magical, dating cannot be fun and dating cannot be fulfilling, if you approach dating with a jaded perception. I’m talking about the women that only see dating as a necessary evil instead of seeing it as a romantic opportunity to discover yourself romantically.
Lots of women think of dating in terms of “oh, it’s just something I have to do until I get to that relationship that I really want.’
But if that’s not working out for you –which is a good chance it’s not, then you need to re-assess how you’re looking at it. Because if you can’t learn to enjoy the moment building up, how can you truly enjoy a relationship?
Dating is the preparation, it’s the good habit building, it’s the magical adventures that happen which set the precedent for a great relationship.
If all you’re doing is seeing it as something that just has to be done, you’re setting the intention that your relationship is something also that just has to be done. When you change and flip the perception like I did and look at it as a real true opportunity to discover who you are romantically
–what you really like and what you really don’t like,
what you want in your love life,
how to communicate better,
how to show affection and receive affection,
And most importantly…
how to be loved.
All of those things can’t happen unless you change that initial perception.
I know that it can be frustrating changing your perception but once you flip it around, once you just say: you know what, I’m gonna look at this as an opportunity. A true opportunity to discover an adventure that I can take that’s going to lead me to love. Then you’ve open all the doors for everything you want to really happen. Otherwise those doors remain closed.
Another thing that women do in the area of perception is they don’t really want to believe or can’t really believe that men want the opportunity to love, adore and cherish them on their terms.
We have so many conclusions that we have drawn about men in our lives based on our own experiences, based on what we hear that this is one of those perceptions that you’re going to have to take a blind leap of faith about. But again, this is the difference between a meh love life and magical love life.
The third piece in perception, is that women get really fixated on stereotyping and finding what’s wrong with men.
Now I get it, it’s funny to talk about all of the things that men do wrong. I mean, there are great stories out there. Lots of comedians put together great acts based on dating gone wrong. We like to point out the hilarity in all these different dating situations. And I get it, it’s funny. It’s really, really funny.
But there is a balance that has to be maintained because you can slide into the habit of finding everything wrong with men all the time. And if you’re going to keep looking for wrong, you are going to find wrong.
Something that I say frequently: the more good you find in men, the more good men you will find.
But that’s not going to happen if you can’t change your perception and stop seeking and fixating by stereotyping or looking for the wrong in men. Just like we want men to see us in a different light, you can change your whole romantic dynamic by seeing men in a different light; and once you start seeing and seeking that good that I’m talking about, you will start finding it everywhere. There are so many incredible men out there who want the opportunity to love, adore and cherish you.
Just like you want that opportunity with them.
2. The second troubleshooting part is your approach.
Now a lot of times your approach works in tandem with your perception. If your perception’s off, your approach is definitely gonna be off. But sometimes your perception can be good and your approach still needs tweaking because underneath the perception are some beliefs that are holding you back.
But let me talk specifically about the approach first. One of the approaches that often doesn’t work for women is when a woman becomes exclusive to a man before he has actually become exclusive to her.
I want to repeat this time and time again, just because you and a man have discussed sexual exclusivity, that doesn’t mean he thinks that you have relationship exclusivity.
And women take this the wrong way all the time.
Women are really good about cutting off all of their other options in men because they really like a guy. And he is treating them well, they’re dating, they might be sleeping together, the sex is magical and he’ll say stuff like “oh well I’m not sleeping with anybody else”. (Which is more about not having to use a condom more so than anything else)
That is not relationship exclusivity.
Which means if you have been doing this, then that’s the first piece of your approach that has to change. You are worth exploring your options. You deserve to explore your options in men; and the more great options of men you have, the better love life you’ll have because you’re more likely to pick somebody who’s everything that you really want because you have a great selection to choose from.
| BONUS: OPEN UP YOUR OPTIONS IN MEN TODAY! Click HERE to get FREE ACCESS to the first two chapters of my step-by-step video course E-rresistibility to create an online dating profile that leads to offline romance. |
The second piece that needs tweaking in your approach is that women do things that put her out of integrity with herself in order to keep a man’s attention.
This one really gets me.
I see women do this quite a bit. I’m talking about very strong, and successful women all around the world do this all the time. Very few women are actually immune to this.
This is where women will do something that they would not normally do just because they are afraid that the guy that they really like is going to focus his attention on another woman.
I understand this because I used to do things like this too.
This includes things like having sex too soon. Ok, that’s a really big one.
When I say sex too soon, I mean sex too soon for her. She’s out of integrity with herself. She’s not really ready to be sexually vulnerable with him but she does it because she thinks that is how she is going to hold his attention –or she acts in a way that’s not her that’s not authentic to her.
These things can really screw your chances in dating. Because he is going to sense that. He is going to feel the neediness off that. When you’re out of integrity with yourself you are putting out an aura of neediness. That’s the energy that is coming from you. Neediness. It’s desperate, and you can’t fake your way out of it.
What I urge you to do in order to tweak that type of approach to dating is to get in touch with what feels right to you.
What is your sexual time frame?
Not his.
Who are you as a woman dating?
Take some time to think about that.
One of the exercises that we do which is quite fun in my program that I created called the Courage Kit. We do a whole revamp on who we are –looking at our romantic archetype and how to bring and how to bring that romantic archetype into our life. So this is one of those opportunities that you can do as well.
I do also urge you again to look at that sexual time frame. A lot of women end up out of integrity with themselves, putting themselves in a vulnerable place, and they end up acting crazy and needy because she’s not having sex because she really wants to. She’s doing it because she’s afraid she is going to lose his attention. Any man who is willing to walk away from you because you weren’t ready to have sex yet is not worth your time. He is not a real man.
As controversial that might sound, he is not a real man and I don’t care how many man I piss off saying that –a man pressuring you into having sex even when you say don’t want to is not worth the heartache. All men are going to ask you because that’s how they respond to their sexual desire towards you. There’s nothing wrong with them asking but him walking away from you because you are not ready to sexually commit like that, is one of the few men that I have very little regard for.
The third piece of approach is when a woman never tweaks her approach.
She keeps on repeating the same patterns that she’s been doing for years. It’s literally the definition of insanity. Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. It doesn’t work. You have to go in and re-do everything that hasn’t been working for you. Let me give you a little example of this:
In 2006, as my then-husband and I were splitting up and getting a divorce, I decided that what I have been doing romantically was not working and it was time to everything differently.
For instance I always become exclusive in my head and would cut off all my options before actually having relationship exclusivity with a man. I stopped that immediately and started what I called Mantourage Dating™ which is my system of dating more than one man at a time until you find relationship exclusivity or indefinitely –if that’s what you want to do.
Because we women have the right to explore our options. We women have the right to explore our romantic life in any way we want so long as we are not out of integrity with ourselves or are seriously hurting somebody else. That’s the beauty of Mantourage Dating™.
Mantourage Dating™ not only did it help me to stop giving exclusivity to a man before he had become exclusive to me, (which had previously made me crazy and gave off a big needy vibe which pushed men away even more) it also made me more alluring to men.
By the way, when I talk about dating more than one man at a time, I’m not talking about you saying to every man: “oh yeah I’m dating five other men”. That’s not what I’m telling you.
It is more about the vibe that you get off. It’s a high value vibe. It’s a vibe that you give off that says I’m not going to settle for anyone. It’s a vibe that you give off that says that “I’m desired by many but if I decide to take somebody on in a relationship, he’s going to be very special to me”.
It’s like a high dollar toy. It’s something that everybody wants but not everybody can have. That’s very very alluring/mesmerizing to men and it makes them think about you constantly and really really helps with your approach to dating.
I recommend you learning and you can do that through my program E-rresistibility. I have a great bonus in E-rresistibility on creating your very own Mantourage if you do purchase the program –as well as in my program a Courage Kit helping you go through the process of Mantourage Dating™ with me by your side.
Mantourage Dating™ when done well, when done in a way that’s genuine to who you are and what you want can be a complete overhaul in your love life. You’d be able to navigate the dating world because instead of just troubleshooting all the time, you’ll start to see how dating can be actually 100% magical for you.
3. Now the third area that you need to look at when you are troubleshooting you love life would be your willingness to be vulnerable and maintain good boundaries.
Let’s say your perceptions changed.
You’re seeing the possibilities of dating in a whole new light.
Your approach has changed, you’re taking good care of yourself, you’re honoring yourself, you’re exploring the man waters meaning giving different men the opportunity to adore you. Plus you feel like everything’s going well.
What’s the next thing to look at?
That would be your willingness to be vulnerable and maintain good boundaries which weaves in with part one and part two but it can also be in a separate category of its own.
So one thing I want to make very very clear: vulnerability is sexy. Vulnerability is very sexy.
Men, when you ask them in a behind the scenes –when they can be honest and genuine about their answers, are fascinated by women. They are fascinated by our emotional range, they are fascinated by the curves of our body; and I don’t mean this completely in a sexual way. I mean our softness, our vulnerability is alluring. Our vulnerability can trigger their instinct to protect us. This is a brilliant dynamic for romance and long term relationships.
When it’s used appropriately, it can rock your world. And his.
That’s the key. It has to be used appropriately and appropriate is when good boundaries are in place. Good boundaries not only for you, but good boundaries that protect him as well.
I can talk about boundaries for ages because boundaries are one of my specialties, but that is an more extensive talk for another episode.
| BONUS: Want Jenn’s class on Boundaries With Men That Make You Irresistible & Unforgettable? Click HERE to get FREE ACCESS |
Back to your willingness to be vulnerable and maintain good boundaries. Understand right now, vulnerability is sexy. It’s truly sexy.
But it’s also an excruciating place for many strong professional women, who don’t like to feel vulnerable and would rather plan everything out. They want to know what’s going to happen. They want to know how it’s going to happen, when it’s going to happen and what they can do about to change it.
With that said, I want you to understand that that might work well in your career, but it is totally absurd in your love life. Why? When you have to maintain that kind of control over your love life, you lose the magic of allowing your romantic life to unfold.
We already know we can’t control everything in life, and even though we do have really great input in our romantic life, that whole choke hold thing works better on your career. (Full disclosure, I’m still not convinced on how well it works for your career) But it definitely works better there than it does in your love life.
So being romantically vulnerable, I know can be excruciating for smart, successful, single women. Still it’s imperative and you have to pair it with good boundaries as well, allowing your magical love life to unfold.
Without it, there are always be a ceiling to what you have romantically. We talked about income ceiling in our careers. This is a romantic capacity ceiling that you will have, unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Let me clarify that I am not talking about the kind of vulnerability where you are having to walk into a first date, and vomit your entire past all over him.
No, I’m not saying that. In fact, that’s counterproductive. It will not accelerate your love life ever. I know because I used to do that. I used to vomit all over guys emotionally when we started dating.
I am talking about allowing yourself not only to have your love life unveiled to you but unveiling yourself to a man. So being a bit romantically vulnerable here and giving him time during the dating phase to start earning your trust. Your romantic trust. Meaning you can see how when you share a piece of yourself, he’s not taking a hike with another woman.
I’ve shared before that when I have a conversation with my husband I can say to him: “Can we talk?” And he’ll say yes. An enthusiastic yes. It’s not an “oh God what is it about? What is this now?”
That reaction has a lot it do with the fact that I unveiled myself during our dating phase. I didn’t hit him with everything at once, but at the same time I was still romantically vulnerable.
I still shared pieces of me.
–And I let it unfold. I didn’t force our romantic life.
That’s why today we can still have that type of connection instead of him feeling like every conversation we have will be a chore. When I say “can we talk”, it’s not because I’m about to punish him.
Which is what most men get (hear) from that question like somehow I am about to make him wrong for something. With my husband it has a different meaning because of the way I set it up. All these things happen in the dating phase. They are harder to establish in ‘an immediate relationship phase’ that we women want to get to so fast.
I want you to think of dating as building the most beautiful home. You have to start with the right foundation. You need a strong sturdy foundation. Dating, gives you that opportunity and the more you enjoy the building of this home, the more magical the home becomes. And that’s what we want in our love life. It’s not about just reaching that destination, reaching the end of the journey. Dating is that building of that magical home. That magical place where you can be you. And you can take the time to unveil yourself.
Again let me recap troubleshooting your dating life. If you’re asking yourself “what am I doing wrong”, these are the three areas you need to look into
- Your perception of dating
- Your approach to dating
- Your willingness to be vulnerable with appropriate boundaries in place.
Your love life can’t go wrong with all 3 of these areas in good working order Lovergirl. See you in the next episode.
Ciao!
XO,
Jenn
P.S.
Ready to build your new exciting online dating profile? Good, because I have two free chapters of my online dating program E-rresistibility for you to check out here, http://E-rresistibility.com and start creating your very own magical dating experiences like I did.
